It's not too often that I get to make my way out to the thrift shop these days, but when I do, it's like going on a treasure hunt. Recently, I went to the local thrift shop for the first time in probably a year and it was like a whole new world. Tons of old toys, books, and computer equipment from yesteryear to look through. And while buying a horribly scratched copy of a "Parappa the Rappa" Playstation game was pretty tempting, my heart skipped a few beats when I came upon this gem:

I couldn't believe my eyes. A complete Thingmaker Chill-A-Tron Lab kit that hadn't even been used... all for a measly $1.98! Keep in mind, these things sold for $30+ when they first came out, plus whoever sold this thing to the thrift shop included 2 extra unopened "collector molds" which also came with more monster mix packs. Badass. For those of you who've never seen it, this lab kit claims to enable you to create a variety of slimy creatures all by using ice, water, Gooze™, and Monster Mix™®©³.

Excited as a mofo, I rushed home and called up Protoclown to tell him the good news. The phone call went something like this...

RoG: "Dude! I got a Thingmaker!!!"
Proto: "That's great Rog! Congrats on finally discovering your penis."
RoG: "No! It's this thing that makes all these crazy little slimy monsters!"
Proto: "Again, congrats on finally discovering your penis."
RoG: "Damnit, just get your ass over here so we can try this toy out."
Proto: "Keep your 'toy' away from me, perv."

After 15 more minutes of explaining to him just what in the hell the Thingmaker was, he finally agreed to come over.

Knowing that we were both about to embark on a horrific journey of monster-making mayhem, we couldn't help but scream in terror. Then again, that reaction could have just been the two of us realizing that we were going to be hanging out with each other for the next couple of hours. Actually, yeah, I think that's what it was.

First, we filled up the Chill-A-Tron with ice and cold water and then chose a mold to use. There were some damned cool molds to choose from, but nothing could beat the giant spider. It was just massive and could easily suffocate somebody in their sleep.

I should note that there were some pretty cool collectible molds that you could get for the Thingmaker Chill-A-Tron Lab. With names like "Clot Popper", "Dr. Rot-A-Lot", and "Skeletick" you simply can't go wrong.

Next, we had to add some Gooze to a hot cup of water. I wish I could say that something with a cool name like Gooze was a really awesome substance, but in all honesty, I think it was just food coloring. Leave it up to good ol' Nickelodeon to rename something simple as food coloring to a much more nasty nasty name like "Gooze". I imagine that they'll soon be renaming 'water' to 'znogflarshick smoog juice'. Anyway, we both agreed that while a green spider would indeed look cool, there just weren't enough purple spiders in the world. So, we went with the purple Gooze.

After making sure the Gooze was mixed in nicely, it was time to add the Monster Mix. This was obviously the stuff that was going to turn our purple water into a semi- gelatinous substance. Can't say the stuff smelled that good, but I guess that's not all too surprising since monsters aren't really known for their obsession with bathing. One thing they didn't tell you is how the Monster Mix would stick to your mixing thermometer to the point where you would never be able to remove it. I'm guessing that if you made enough of these, there would be about 30 layers of solidified monster mix on your mixer and it wouldn't even fit in the cup anymore.

With the monster mixture completed, it was time to pour it into the giant spider mold that now rested upon the Chill-A-Tron. And wow... just look at me boogie down in that animation. It works even better if you watch it while listening to Huey Louis and the News' hit song, "Heart of Rock 'n Roll". Trust me.

And there you have it. The spider mold was filled with purple goo and soon we would be unleashing an army of these things upon the world. Not that the world would really care, because let's face it; these things wouldn't really do very much except sit around and be slimy... and purple.

Now according to the instructions, we had to wait 12-20 minutes before our purple spider would be ready for removal. 12-20 MINUTES!? Just what in the hell did they expect myself and Protoclown to do during this time? Well, rather than just sit around while enduring an extremely uncomfortable silence like we usually do, we decided to stay in the spirit of the Halloween season by drawing some spooky pictures.

We busted out some Crayola crayons and went to work for what seemed like days. All of our artistic skills were really being put to the test here. After all, it's not easy to create spooky Halloween pictures that can cause a person to scream in terror or burst into tears with just one look. Still, I think we pulled it off. See for yourself:

AND WE DIDN'T EVEN GO TO ART SCHOOL.

After submitting our Crayola masterpieces to several local art gallery competitions, we returned to the kitchen to see how the Purple spider was doing. A full 20 minutes had passed and................................... a leg fucking broke when we tried to remove it. The damned spider was nowhere near ready to be removed. 20 minutes my ass. Being completely frustrated with things, I resorted to drinking. Unfortunately, I picked up the glass of the Gooze Monster Mix by accident. But hey, I'm always trying to enjoy new experiences.

I just never imagined that pissing purple would be one of them.

Meanwhile, Proto had obviously completely lost his mind. He had the bright idea that if he had a pre-made sticky toy frog touch its tongue to our spider, the spider would somehow learn how to become solid like the frog so that it could be removed from the mold. When that didn't work, he shoved the frog's tongue into his nose while I hoped he would somehow learn that this wasn't helping our situation. Plus, he had just ruined one of my perfectly good sticky frogs. The nasty bastard actually asked me if I wanted it back too. We tried removing the spider from the mold about an hour later and the leg parts were still breaking apart, so we decided to call it a day and try again later.

About 24 hours later I returned to the mold expecting to be able to remove the spider with ease. Sadly, I found that it was in no better shape than it was before. So instead of a giant purple spider, I ended up with a plate of mangled purple gelatinous goop that resembled a jellyfish which had been poked far too many times with a stick. I couldn't even get all of the purple crud out of the spider mold. And that's when it hit me...

I should have coated the plastic spider mold with some Pam non-stick cooking spray, then it would've been easy to remove it! Well, maybe not. I guess we won't know until we try making one of these damned things again. And, I think next time I'm going to go with one of the creatures that doesn't have so many thin legs that break off so easily. I'm leaning towards the Skeletick mold. He looks like a potato bug, and I can't imagine he would break apart that easily. I must say though, Dr. Rot-A-Lot looks damned tempting too. I mean, he's a mummy with a claw. A CLAW! Still, I'm sure it would break off, so I don't want to set myself up for another let-down.

Something interesting I noticed in the instruction booklet was that you could actually look through your Thingmaker creations "to see a very distorted and colorful world!" Considering how we failed to make the spider survive, this was too good to pass up. I held up one of the mangled purple blobs to my eye and peered through. What did I see?

I saw Tom Jones gone completely mad and I damn near had a heart attack. I think I might call consumer affairs about this. They really should put better warnings on these things...

After a few days, the pile of purple goop had been reduced to a few jagged pieces which could easily cut through bone. I'm not sure if the rest of the stuff just evaporated or some cockroaches came along and ate it. Purple shards instead of a giant slimy spider? Even though I only spent $1.98 on the thing, I can't help but feel ripped off.

-RoG-

If you're big into monster kits like this one, check out the Mad Scientist Monster Lab!

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