-a rom hack of "MegaMan 5" for the NES-
review by: Feral Mew

Okay, I admit it. I was getting a bit cocky. After glancing across 'Basterd Master' and 'Lesbian Tennis' and 'Super KKK Bros.', I thought I was building up a tolerance towards the criminally inane and inexplicable. Like a fool I charged blindly ahead, without the merest inkling of the terror that lurked right around the bend...

I would've done a blow by blow analysis of this intro, but when I saw it for the first time I had to scrape the pieces of my shattered jaw off the floor. I had to watch it 3 more times just to be sure. It seems that, in the far distant past, a vicious army of gaybos were bent on DESTROYING MY DICK. It didn't take me long to realize that this is no ordinary ROM hack. This is the one that changes everything. Licensed by Bryan.

The assault began before I could even take a step. Shut up? I gotta admit, it kinda hurt my feelings. I figured I could be frens with this game. Guess not. :(

BLAUGH! I guess the point of this was to make Megaman look like a big piece of crap. I'd really like to appreciate the relevance but... goddammit that is ugly. It became even more disturbing when I realized that this was not a run of the mill halfassed ROM hack... I was going to have to stare at this hideous blob for the entirety of the game.

It didn't take long before I went head to head with the vicious gaybo army. Unfortunately I hadn't played any MegaMan games after the 3rd one so I really had no idea what to expect. Though they are all potent fighters by themselves, they almost always travel in packs. You need to have quick reflexes and nerves of steel, as a fleet of gaybos can easily erode the chances of saving your mighty dudepost.

Gaybo Mosstrooper

The most commonly confronted members of the gaybo offensive. Like most gaybos, they are immune to attacks while hiding within their hardhats. When you approach them too closely, they will spring to their feet and bum rush you, while firing 3 shots from their standard issue gaybo cannon. One shot to the eye will eliminate them, but beware! As they die they split into 3 tiny gaybos that will bound off in either direction. These new enemies are extremely difficult to hit, but they disintegrate after a few seconds of being separated from their host gaybo.

Homo-Submersible

The gaybo's underwater operative. When you approach it, it quickly starts to swim away as it fires it's tri-shot gaybo cannon. It's movements seem a bit limited as it doesn't seem capable of moving side to side. Don't underestimate them though, they are fairly adept at knocking you into manrod-annihilating underwater spikes.

Gaybo Aerolith

The nature of this gaybo is wrought with mystery. Not only is it not equipped with a gaybo cannon, but it is also incapable of taking shelter in it's homo-hardhat. However, it's hatred of your guywand is so intense that it carelessly charges at you, even though a successful attack spells instant death for the Aerolith.

F.A.G. Hammer

The enigmatic F.A.G. Hammer is the only gaybo to come equipped with armor plating that takes several shots to penetrate. It also has upgraded it's weapon to the experimental 'über-homo dropshot' which lobs huge orange balls at odd angles. Though it sounds impressive on paper, in the field the mechanism is a bit slow and thus poses little danger to your hepole.

Faggator Express

Higher ranking members of the gaybo army can often be seen operating these whirling death machines. Usually hiding right off the edge of the screen, they charge onto the field without warning at surprising rates of speed, laying down multiple rows of fire before retreating into their hardhat. They become much more dangerous as they tend to attack in groups of two or three. Easily the epitome of gaybo ingenuity.

Gaybo Overlord?

I'm not too sure if this thing claims allegiance to the gaybos, as his head is tattooed with the word 'FAGET' instead. Wouldn't 'GAYBO' fit just as easily? The fact that his one weak point is labeled 'HIT ME!' causes me to question the strength of his convictions. Perhaps in another life we could've been homo bar-buddies. :\

Working my way through the chain of command I realized that the actions of the gaybos were being dictated by Homoman's evil robot minions, and if I truly hope to save my himstick I'll have to defeat them too. Luckily I know I'll get rewarded with fantastic toned down versions of whatever they try to kill me with. Or so I thought..

Fart Man

Fart Man yields Star Crap. Also I discovered that my name is Hoe. Super Arrow remains untouched, though I suppose I can forgive that since I can't think of anything obvious to replace it with.

GrabMe, Man

GrabMe, Man yields Balls Hold. A surprisingly potent attack that instantly kills all the enemies on the screen, except for gaybos huddled in their homohats. Also GrabMe, Man looks like he got a hole punched in his face. Weird graphical marring abounds.

Naked Man

Naked Man yields... Naked Boy. Um... I'm afraid to touch that.

Gayo Man

Gayo Man yields Gayo Attack and 'RunchJit'. I assume the RunchJit came about just from the need to destroy something in the game. I don't think it means anything, but I might just not be hip to the jive.

Stone Man

Stone Man yields Power Stone. Completely untouched. I can't really figure why though. If I was more of a dangerous psychotic I might've suggested 'Boner Man'. Boner Man yields Homo Bone!

Crystal Man

Crystal Man yields Crap Ye. The attack was formerly known as "Crystal Eye", so Crystal Man inexplicably dodged a bullet here. Perhaps 'Crap Man' would be too cliché.

Charge Man

Charge Man yields Charge Kick. Another unaltered robot, except his face is damaged much like GrabMe, Man and Naked Man. I can't believe that someone would skip over using the 'kick' for something else. Actually I can't think of anything either. ROM hacking sure is hard work.

Wave Man

Wave Man yields Pee Wave. It's ok that Wave Man didn't get a new name, cuz he attacks with pee.

Homoman's Castle

Though the journey had been difficult, I was confident that I had weathered the storm as I stepped into the final chamber of Homoman's Castle. Surely Bryan's interest has waned by this point! He must've spent countless hours just etching the word 'GAY' on every incarnation of Hardhat Harry, how much more energy could he have left? Since I had already come this far, I decided to go ahead and finish this mess, for the sake of posterity.

Well that figures. The real Homoman probably wouldn't go through so much trouble to eradicate my penile extension, but I kinda hoped he might hang around and help me fight his imposter instead of just tossing me a can of E and floating off through the ceiling. However, I was fortified by my trials with the gaybos, and a fancy combination of Balls Hold, Star Crap, and Gayo Attack saw me through to victory. Yet, there remained one last trial to overcome...

First off, either that 'Gabo' was a typo or I just spent like 5 hours murdering hundreds of innocent Gaybos who may have had little more than a platonic interest in my dick. Second... I swear to god this shit just broke my brain.

I felt as though I was in a trance as I battled the multiple forms of Wily's evil UFO, and it wasn't long before he leapt from the wreckage and attempted to disappear into the darkness. I quickly realized that only by destroying the Dick of my nemesis would my victory be assured, so I charged defiantly into his lap to deal the final blow...

Alas, despite my best efforts, Wily managed to escape. In the distance I saw Homoman sneering blissfully at my failure... it would only be a matter of time before the forces of evil regrouped, and the ultimate battle for the phallus began.

THANKS CRAPCO(M) FOR RUINING MY LIFE.