The hacker took it upon himself to restructure the Zelda 2 storyline. Apparently, even though you found all pieces of the Triforce of Wisdom in Zelda 1, there was still one missing. Just when you are ready to get it on with your bitch, she starts giving you crap about the missing piece and the hoe puts you on bread and water until you find it. Now, any self-respecting pimp daddy would smack that bitch black and blue till she gave up the goods, but Link's still a young pimp and so he sets out to find the last Triforce fragment. But first he has to get rid of six crystals. Shit. I guess they're cluttering up his crib.

Before you set out on your adventure, it's time to register a nigga. Taking a glance at Link, I conclude these niggaz are the white kind. You know. Fubu tunic, leaf-green cap, flesh-toned sword. If the hood's too full you can bust a few caps to make room for new niggaz. So, register your pimp and continue.

Desperate for his bitch's mad good head, Link leaves his master bedroom and sets out to explore the world. He must root out the evil lurking in the six palaces in the kingdom of Hyrule. But like all newborn "personal managers", he'll have to visit villages and learn more about the art of pimping first. After all, Hyrule's economy leans strongly on the exploitation of wenches.

On his way, our fledging pimp soon finds his path blocked by a car parked square across the road. Being unexperienced in the ways of the street, Link does not yet know how to break in and hotwire this car, so he sets off into a nearby village instead. One of the locals soon advises him to seek the "SlimJim". Sounds like a good idea. Further into the town, Link runs into some girls. Now, the villages of Hyrule... how to put this... they have a different dress code than what we're use to.

Yes. That's right. All women under the age of 40 are obligated to wear nothing below the waist, or just go naked all the way. It's part of the ongoing depravity and pimpage of Hyrule.

So, we've covered so far that the villages have seen their fair share of hacking. On his way towards the first palace, Link comes into conflict with some enemies which, unfortunately, haven't been modified in any way. Through the palace itself he finds nothing new in his path either.

As our pimping friend descends to the lowest level of the palace, he meets the first boss. And again it's confirmed that the hacker missed a huge opportunity at making this game more pimpalicious by leaving all the original enemies in. Sure, who doesn't love strolling through towns full of naked women waiting to be pimped... but when it comes down to battle, the greater part of the game, things get really dull.


After supplying the first boss with his untimely demise, Link takes a load off and turns to the nearest village for some old skool hardcore sex and soft drugs. And the people of the town once again welcome him with open arms.

But, even pimps need their share of wholesomeness every now and then. So at the next house, Link stops and visits old granny for some tea and biscuits. Unfortunately, nothing is sacred to this hacker, and so the poor geriatric is dragged along in the seedy nature of Hyrule.

Deep beneath the surface of the village, Link meets with an old, wise pimp. Each village has its own pimp, and curiously enough, they all hide in their basements. I can't see how you could be an effective pimp hiding in your basement, but perhaps they're just eluding murderous rival pimps this way. Eitherway, they can all teach you magical pimp skills, ranging from Shield and Jump to the powerful Jizz spell. Having acquired these talents, Link can continue on his journey through unchanged environments, battling the same old enemies.

Unfortunately, the lack of power-ups and life-recharging fairies soon begins to take its toll on our pimp apprentice. Weakened by the boredom, a result of facing the same old enemies in a hack that's supposed to be about pimps & hoes, Link drops his guard. Immediately, a segment of the many hardy enemies put an end to his existence. The search for the legendary Slim Jim ends abruptly. No more mad good head for our hero. Pimpaturi te salutant.

Accompanied by the eerie digitized laughter of what appears to be Benedict, the villain with the glass eye from Last Action Hero, I'm informed that I'm a loser and I really suck.