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The
title character of Kid Chameleon has worn many different hats
in his career. Well, helmets would be more accurate. Anyway, each one
of these helmets was good for something, but no one helmet could do
everything. That’s not an acceptable answer in my book. The Kid had
nine different alter egos, and I aim to get to the bottom of which one
of them was the best. Now, I know most of you know Kid Chameleon like
the back of your hand, but statistically, there are bound to be a few
of you at there who know nothing about video games of video games
within video games. Therefore, I’ll preface this battle royale with a
brief description of each of the contenders:
Iron Knight
His is
the first identity you’ll assume, and so he’s already got an early
lead in our competition. Plus, he’s the toughest of the helmet
warriors, with a whopping two hit points over the next runners up.
Combine all that with his climbing ability and you’ve got yourself one
fierce competitor. Unfortunately, his one major drawback is that he’s
just a bit too heavy, and a lot of jumping could end with him stuck in
a hole, or worse.
Red Stealth
Next in
line is the guise of a fearsome samurai. His sharp sword can make
mincemeat out of dragons, giant skulls, skull tanks, and even pesky
blocks in the floor. He’s also the most fleet-of-foot, boasting the
fastest foot speed and the highest vertical leap. Of course, this can
work against you when you’re on slippery terrain, especially when
there are pointy things about. Worse yet, he can’t hold is ground on
ramps or hillsides, and will slide all the way to the bottom and
certain death.
Berserker
If you
need something moved in a hurry, he’s your man. Just give him a few
steps and he’ll put down his head and charged like an enraged
rhinoceros. With a tail. Not really sure what that’s about. Whatever
the case, those horns can be quite deadly to certain enemies, and the
charge can break down weak walls and displace the stronger walls.
Unfortunately, it’s still not strong enough harm quite a few enemies,
and if the enemy is off the ground even slightly, you’re screwed.
Maniaxe
So many
positives to cover here: Of all the helmets that stare right at the
player when no moving, his is the most intimidating; he’s got a great
balance of speed and strength; he’s got an endless supply of throwing
axes; and all this from a completely original character with no ties
to any other character in a hockey mask and coveralls. Indeed, things
are really looking up for this guy. He could easily take the prize in
the contest, so long as he steers clear of Kane Hodder.
Juggernaut
What can
I say? You’ve got a skull wearing a Kaiser helmet riding in a tank
that shoots skulls. It’s like he rolled right out of an Iron Maiden
album cover. Obviously, it’s hard to match this guy in terms of
firepower. Even the tiniest and peskiest of enemies will be
hard-pressed to dodge a cascade of bouncing skulls, so that’s
definitely going to give him an edge. Plus, it’s a tank that jumps,
and that will remind the viewers of Blaster Master, so he’s got that
going for him, too. Unfortunately, that whole tank body thing works
against him, too. He’s one of the tougher competitors, but he’s also
the largest moving target, being both tall and wide.
Cyclone
Remember
when you were a kid, and you used to spin around in circles until you
fell down? Well, if you would’ve shown a little more dedication, you
could’ve achieved flight just like Cyclone. This guy can go just about
anywhere in the level, and as long as you’ve got enough twitch in your
thumb, you needn’t worry about dropping into any unexpected pitfalls.
Just beware of motion sickness.
Eyeclops
This guy
could prove to be some serious competition. That outlandish visor and
quasi-futuristic vacuum cleaner allow him to glimpse the unseen.
Previously hidden blocks, even teleporters, will be revealed when
swept over by a blast of his search beam. It could even be set to harm
enemies. Unfortunately, that takes jewels, and if we start taking
jewel powers into account, he’ll be left behind by some of our other
competitors. Moreover, green is this year’s black, and black is this
year’s orange, so you can see how that would be a problem for him.
MicroMax
Getting
toward the end of our list, we have this flyboy. He can stick to walls
and he can crawl into small spaces. Plus, all those extra eyes in his
head allow him to see the world in ways you and I can only imagine. Of
course, if you were to lose the helmet after you crawled into one of
those tight spots, you’d be in a... tight spot. He’s got an uphill
battle ahead.
Skycutter
Cool, a
hoverboard, just like in Back to the Future! And the Kid gets a
pair of green sunglasses, too. You’re gonna need a pair of those if
you intend to hoverboard on the ceiling. One big problem, though: no
other safety gear in sight. If he falls off that board, who knows how
many knees and elbows he could lose. Still, he’s plenty fast on that
thing. Maybe that will work to his advantage. And maybe that will take
away from the fact that he can never come to a complete stop unless he
flies into a wall. Maybe...
Alright, now that the introductions have concluded, let’s start the
competition! First up, it’s Red Stealth vs. Eyeclops!
 vs.
The
competitors are squaring off with each other now. Red Stealth is
making his charge at the hapless Eyeclops! He’s drawing close and...
Oooh, Eyeclops just revealed a waist-high block right in front of the
samurai. Oh, that’s gotta hurt! Red Stealth is regrouping. He’s
looking for an opening, but Eyeclops is keeping his one, long eye
focused on... something. Red Stealth is going for an aerial attack
this time! Eyeclops is going for a repeat of their last exchange, but
what’s this? Yes, that forceful “hoowee!” is as clear an indication as
you can get that Red Stealth is busting through the block with his
famous “sword pogo stick” maneuver! Things are not looking good for
Eyeclops! He’s hitting Red Stealth with another search beam. Oh my, it
looks like all that the search beam has uncovered is the hidden rage
beneath that samurai helmet! And now his green helmet is red. Oh dear,
now all the blocks that Eyeclops revealed are disappearing once more.
Talk about adding insult to injury!
Winner:
Red Stealth!
 vs.
Both
competitors are taking off in their respective directions! Berserker
is putting his head down for a bull rush, and Cyclone is spinning
right ‘round baby, right round! He’s taking off into the sky, and the
Berserker has passed harmlessly beneath him! Berserker looks angry
now, folks. He’s stomping his footing and glaring at the airborne
Cyclone. What’s this? It looks like Cyclone is trying to bait
Berserker by dipping down to just within his maximum jumping height.
Berserker is taking the bait! He’s airborne now, looking to stomp the
wings off of Cyclone’s helmet. Ooh, a narrow miss, and now he’s
falling back to earth. Oh my god, his tail has gotten caught up in
Cyclone’s whirlwind! The two of them are really spinning now and... I
think... yes, there goes a wide arc of vomit from Berserker. The crowd
does not look pleased. Cyclone is speeding up now. What does he have
in store for the nauseous Berserker? *snap* Ooh, there goes
Berserker’s tail, and now he’s skipping across the pavement. I don’t
think his neck is supposed to bend like that.
Winner:
Cyclone!
 vs.
The Iron
Knight is scanning the battlefield in search of his opponent! There’s
no sign of him so far. He’s spotted MicroMax now, clinging tenaciously
to his leg and... let’s say climbing it. The Iron Knight is trying his
best to shake him off, but this fly isn’t going anywhere! There, he’s
done it! MicroMax is off his leg and preparing for his next deadly
strike! Iron Knight doesn’t appear overly concerned and is maintaining
a confident stance as the... Hold on, ladies and gentlemen! A third
figure has entered the ring! Whoever he is, he doesn’t look too happy!
I think it’s... yes, it’s actor Jeff Goldblum, best known for his role
in the film Transylvania 6-5000. He’s running over to MicroMax, and
now there’s some sort of scuffle taking place. Ooh, he’s beating
MicroMax to death with his shoe! Oh, the humanity! MicroMax is trying
to say something now, possibly a movie reference of some sort, but all
that’s coming out is a wet gurgle. The Iron Knight is just shrugging
at this point.
Winner:
Iron Knight!
 vs.
This
should be an interesting match, folks. Maniaxe is starting things off
the way he usually does: by throwing an axe. Skycutter dodges it
easily with his patented “look at me, I’m upside-down!” defense. The
crowd loves it, but Maniaxe seems less impressed. Skycutter is doing a
few stunts now to wow the crowd, and now he’s coming back down to get
this fight started in earnest. Hmm, Maniaxe seems to have disappeared.
Skycutter is making a slow circle of the arena, searching for his
opponent. If he doesn’t find him soon, he’ll win by default. *chchch
kakaka* What was that? There’s some sort of strange noise filling the
arena, folks. *chchch kakaka* This is a very strange development, and
it seems to be getting to Skycutter. He’s looking around nervously.
Victory doesn’t seem quite as assured for him anymore. *chchch kakaka*
Maniaxe has appeared suddenly behind him! What’s that in his hand? It
looks like a... sleeping bag? I don’t know what to make of this,
folks, but he’s cramming Skycutter into that bag, and now he’s got the
bag slung over his shoulder. Oooh goodness gracious! Ladies and
gentlemen, he’s swinging that sleeping bag against a tree? Who put
that there? Again and again and again he swings it! And now he’s
unzipping it. Oh lord, it looks like a hundred pounds of ground beef
and cherry cobbler in there. I think that’s the end of the match.
Winner:
Maniaxe!
Alright,
folks, for our next match we... hold on a moment. Ladies and
gentlemen, I’ve just been informed that Cyclone is no longer in the
competition! It seems that a very dizzy Cyclone was stumbling around
in the locker room after his fight with Berserker and bumped into
Juggernaut’s tank. Well, I suppose you can’t fault Juggernaut for
taking advantage of the situation and blasting Cyclone to custard. I
think that qualifies as a victory, and good thing, too. Lord knows
it’s hard enough trying to make a tournament bracket with an odd
number of participants. Anyway, it’s time to start the second tier of
our competition!
vs.
This
should be interesting, folks. Red Stealth has assumed a fierce
fighter’s stance, and Maniaxe is rubbing his thumb along the edge of
his axe. The air is thick with tension. There they go! They’re locked,
weapon to weapon with each other! Each one is putting on his most
fearsome expression, one assumes. I can’t really tell with those masks
on. Annnnd... they’ve broken off! They’ve pushed back from each other,
and now they’re moving back in for more. What’s this? Red Stealth has
stopped, and now he’s staring at his own foot! The move is certainly
confusing Maniaxe. He doesn’t know what to think! Red Stealth is
checking out the bottom of his shoe right now... oh, looks like he
stepped right in the dog poo. The arena is littered with hazards,
people. He doesn’t look too happy with that and now he’s produced a
second, smaller sword from his belt. He’s discarded his sword, and now
he’s raising that smaller one up for a power strike! Oh my, he’s just
jammed it right into his own stomach! It would appear that the shame
of stepping in that dog waste was just too much for him. He’s
whispering something to Maniaxe now. Looks like he’s asked him to be
his steward. That’s kind of touching. Maniaxe has set down his axe and
now he’s picking up the sword... yes, he’s just cut the disgraced
samurai’s head off. What an oddly moving scene.
Winner:
Maniaxe!
 vs.
The Iron
Knight is tilting his helmet up slightly in salute, and the Juggernaut
is drawing a bead on him. Now the night is on the move, and the
Juggernaut is unleashing his barrage! *clang* Ouch, the Iron Knight
just took one in the ribs! *b-kong* And that one clipped his helmet!
*wonk* Got him in the knee with that one, but he’s still coming!
Juggernaut is lining up his next shot! This could be it... and now the
Iron Knight is going on the offensive! He’s up in the air, looking to
stomp the smirk off Juggernaut’s face! Let’s hope he steers clear of
the spike on that helmet of his. Juggernaut has shut the tank’s hatch,
and looks like he’s ready to receive the stomp! Ooh, the Iron Knight’s
big metal boots seem to have broken the hatch, and now Juggernaut
can’t get his head out to aim his shots! He’s firing wildly now in all
directions! Iron Knight is going for another stomp on the... Ooh, he
just took a flying skull to the back of the head! He’s on the ground
now, struggling to get back... Ouch, Juggernaut just flattened his
head like a pancake with those treads.
Winner:
Juggernaut!
And now,
the moment you’ve all been waiting for: the final, conclusive battle
for the title of Best Helmet!
 vs.
And
they’re off! Axes and skulls are filling the air! It’s pure chaos,
ladies and gentlemen!!! Ooh, Maniaxe just caught a skull to the mask!
He’s staggering around the arena now. He managed to toss another one
of his axes, but it seems to have bounced harmlessly off the side of
Juggernaut’s tank. And now Juggernaut is switching tactics! He’s going
for a stomp of his own! This is incredible ladies, and gentlemen! I’ve
never seen a tank fly that high! And it’s a narrow miss as Maniaxe
rolls to the side! Juggernaut is adjusting for another shot... And
what’s this? There’s an old woman in a blue sweater creeping up on
him. Does she have a... Oh, wait, it doesn’t matter. Juggernaut just
threw it in reverse and flattened her. Now he’s focusing his attention
back on Maniaxe. *thunk* Uh oh, it looks like one of Maniaxe’s
namesakes has gotten wedged in Juggernaut’s treads. He’s struggling to
work it out, but that’s not going to be easy with no arms of his own!
He may not have time for that, as Maniaxe is making his way over to
him! He’s calling triple A. He’s dialing the number... he’s on the
fifth digit. Maniaxe is on him, and he’s raising his axe for the
killing... ooh, Juggernaut just slammed the hatch on his wrist! He
dropped the axe and he’s howling in pain! Juggernaut is cackling and
swinging his turret around for the killing blow! What’s this! Maniaxe
has wrapped his hands around Juggernaut’s head! Juggernaut is trying
to slam the hatch again, but it’s just no going down! *crack* And it’s
over! Maniaxe has twisted his head clean off!!! WE HAVE A WINNER!!!
MANIAXE!!!
Wowie,
what an epic battle. But we have our champion. Maniaxe is by far the
best helmet choice in the game, and we’ve seen all the proof we need
right here. Still, I’d hate to think that I’m ignoring the will of the
people. If you think you know what really would’ve happened in a
battle to the death between the nine different helmets, why not come
share it with us on the message boards?
After all, we’re not mind readers, you know.
Questions or Comments about this piece?
email Dr. Boogie
*** You too can play Kid Chameleon! ***
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