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With the
final Pirates of the Caribbean movie coming out this week,
pirates are kind of on a lot of people's minds right now, so I decided
this would be a good time to take a look at some pirate toys out there
that allow you too to "live the adventure".
What pirate out there doesn't covet the thought of gold doubloons?
However, I don't think I've heard of pirates chasing after gold
doubloons imprinted with the images of Abraham Lincoln or John F.
Kennedy...
And where better to store said anachronistic doubloons than a crappy
cardboard chest? Sure to preserve your treasure intact for years to
come! Especially when you bury it in the cold wet ground!
As a pirate, you're pretty much obligated to draw a map (that you will
inevitably lose) pinpointing the exact location where you've buried
your secret treasure, so that it can later be found by some treasure
seeker who will rob your riches right from under your nose!
Ironically, this plastic treasure map will last longer than the
cardboard box the actual treasure is buried in.
Of
course, if you're a truly insane pirate, you can cut your
map up with a jigsaw, put it in a bottle, and toss it out to sea so
that any prospective treasure hunters will have to really work for it.
And any pirate worth his salt is going to have an eye patch to show
that he's been around the seven seas a few times, he's taken a lickin'
and he's kept on a'tickin'. These days however, a simple black eye
patch won't do. Most pirates wouldn't be caught dead on the streets
these days without having a little bling.
If you've somehow managed to keep both of your eyes during your
seafaring adventures, you've almost certainly lost a hand or a leg to
a crocodile, angry foreign midget brigade, or some similar threat. And
if not, you've got no business calling yourself a pirate. Even most
software, movie, and music pirates these days have severe physical
scarring resulting from the daily hardships of their trade. Think of
it as a "badge of honor" without which credibility is a scarce
commodity.
Some pirates are looking for a little more than your standard boring
metal hook, and thus will try to liven things up a bit with a morbid
twist. Skull hooks like this one were of course made famous by the
dreaded Babyheadhands Malone.
It's not just gold doubloons that pirates collect; many take delight
in fine gemstones such as these as well. Of course, this particular
type of gemstone is also sought after by Dungeons & Dragons nerds, who
will often try to combat pirates for ownership of these fine gems in
an event known as live-action role-playing, or LARPing. This does not
usually end well for the nerds, who usually resolve fights by simply
telling their opponent how many "hit points" of damage they've just
taken and that they have to fall down dead now.
Pirates need places to store their loot when they haven't foolishly
buried it where it will be dug up by someone else, which is why they
carry big gay purses like this. Some will try to "badass up" their
purses by decorating them with skulls, sea serpents, or other
intimidating icons, but they're not fooling anybody, because carrying
a purse still means you're just a big girl.
Ships used to communicate by using different flags to signal one
another, but these days pirates usually relay messages to one another
by cell phone.
Any pirate would be a fool to travel the oceans without a spyglass to
spot far away ships and land, but many pirates find that a
kaleidoscope looks a lot like a spyglass if they just pretend, and
what it displays is often far prettier than any boring old ship or
chunk of dirt anyway.
A pirate's also got to arm himself with reliable weapons if he wants
to survive, but in this age of lightsabers and laser pistols a simple
cutlass won't do. It's got to be electronic somehow, with lot of bells
and whistles that require lots of battery power without delivering any
discernible benefits.
Straight-up flintlock pistols used to be in vogue back in the day, but
now you need something a bit more amped up than that if you want to
make an impression. Something like the Jumbo Shark Power Squirter will
certainly turn heads and let them know that you mean business.
If you want to show people how badass you are, you can always put on
the ol' "Nassau necktie" to let them know you're one hardcore son of a
bitch. No one will believe that you were almost hanged of course, but
that liquid latex shit can be really annoying to get off, so there's
still some kind of status symbol in there somewhere.
Most people think of monkeys and parrots being the most common pirate
companions, but what about the oft-forgotten pirate duck? Do they not
find themselves more at home on the water than tree-dwelling mammals
and sky-soaring birds?
If you
just want to temporarily look like a pirate without all
the serious commitment these other accessories entail, you can simply
don this paper pirate mask, and all who see you will be none the
wiser. Though if you really believe that, you may as well save your
dollar and draw a face on a paper grocery bag with a crayon, because
it has all the same level of realism as this.
One popular pastime on a ship out at sea is blowing bubbles. Even the
most rugged, mean looking pirates aren't immune to fun!
Similarly, pirates enjoy yoyos as well. In fact, the popular pirate
phrase "yo ho ho" is just a bastardization of "yoyo, ho?" which one
pirate would ask another when they wanted to face off in a competition
of yoyo skills. The yoyo trick now known as "walking the dog" used to
be referred to as "walking the plank".
For those who want to get their pirate thrills more vicariously,
there's always pirate toys such as these, where you can enjoy piratey
adventures in a more external, godlike role.
Ah yes, there's no better role model for a young child to have than
rapists and murderers!
You can also enjoy the pirate lifestyle through board games such as
this, where if it's anything like the regular version of "Life", you
raise a family, pay lots of bills, and race towards retirement and
death. Which doesn't sound particularly piratey (or fun) at all.
Then there's this pirate's "treasure adventure" that comes with every
accessory you could ever want for, as long as you pretend that you're
some kind of giant who dwarfs treasure chests and palm trees both. It
even comes with "Bono shades" (pretentious yellow tint not included)
so you can feel like a pirate rock star.
And
finally, you've got this happy little guy, complete with hook hand,
white Mickey Mouse glove (a pirate staple), parrot clawing into his
shoulder, a peg leg rising all the way to his crotch, and what looks
like a shoe made from a stapler clamping down on a very large slice of
bacon. He really is the definitive pirate.
The pirate's life is clearly not for everyone, but if you possess the
steely resolve to endure the harsh ways of the seafaring lifestyle,
these useful items will almost certainly come in handy to you.
Questions or Comments about this piece?
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If you enjoyed this
piece, be sure to check out:
THE ONE DOLLAR PIRATE!
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