|
Anyone
who's ever walked down a toy aisle knows that there are some really
bizarre toys out there, but there are some toys that defy logic so
much you just have to wonder what kind of drug stew was consumed prior
to their conception. Marvel Comics has certainly had their odd share
of toys featuring their characters, particularly Spider-Man (he
is their most popular character, after all). RoG has already mentioned
the various "adventure
toys" featuring Spider-Man, which were almost certainly
smuggled in from another planet, but the last time I was in Target I
decided to pop down the toy aisle to see what was new, and my senses
were assaulted by the Spider-Man "Web Splashers" line.
This is a series of toys that involve Spider-Man and water-related
gear, because spiders and water are two great tastes that go great
together, apparently. And this isn't a new line either, there have
been more than three different series dating back as far as 1997. I'd
been completely ignorant of them until now, but they're just so
insanely amusing that I have to share them with as many people as
possible. I'm only going to highlight the ones that I think are best,
so if you're some toy nerd who has a problem with the fact that I
forgot to include the "periwinkle-blue" variant of the Seaweed
Munching Vulture toy, then god help you.
Shark Trap Spidey
This toy is notable because it's one of the few that actually bothered
to give Spider-Man some kind of breathing apparatus so he doesn't
drown while he's completely out of his urban jungle jurisdiction. He's
got an inflatable raft and a little tiny cage to catch something as
large as a small child, or perhaps even a fat jellyfish. Fortunately
for kids everywhere however, he comes with a mutated, growth-stunted
baby shark that doesn't even have the power to menace a bathtub. Why
would Spidey be out hunting sharks anyway? Many of his enemies are
animal themed—a rhino, a vulture, hell, even an octopus, which is an
actual water-dwelling creature, but I'm not aware of a villain named
Shark Man. Actually, that baby shark has the same eyes and
tongue as Venom! Dear christ, did Venom fuck a female shark and this
is their twisted offspring!?
Web Splasher Spidey
This eponymous member of the toy line features Spider-Man with a very
large backpack, and as near as I can tell what's going on here is that
he's actually replaced his webbing with water. For what purpose I
cannot say. Perhaps he merely wants to be an asshole to campers out
enjoying a night in the wilderness, basking in the glow of a warm
campfire? "Don't worry kids, I'll save you from those dastardly
marshmallows!" *squirt squirt drizzle*
Hydro Man
I've read a lot of Marvel comics, but I'm proud to say I have no idea
who this guy is. I can tell you with utmost confidence however that he
totally sucks. I mean, what can you really do with the superpower of
the enema that keeps on giving?
Soak 'n Toss Spidey
I can't for the life of me figure this one out. Okay, so I know
there's a type of fish with a light up dangly ass, but what on earth
good is it for Spider-Man to walk around with a streetlamp on top of
his head? Also, that whole getup looks kind of heavy, and guess who
forgot to include his underwater breathing gear again?
Aqua Blast Spidey
If the last one was puzzling, I'm really at a loss to explain this
one. I don't really see anything practical at all here, but what I do
see is a backpack that must weigh upwards of 300 lbs and a target
hovering above Spidey's head. It's reminiscent of one of those dunking
tanks at the fair, so maybe someone is supposed to sit up above Spidey,
and when someone else hits the target with a water balloon they fall
down on his head? Doesn't seem a very effective way to fight crime.
Hydro Blast Spidey
Criminals beware! Spider-Man is packing web-painted hot dogs, which he
will shoot out with all the force a super soaker can muster, if and
only if a giant god-like hand descends from the heavens and tickles
the odd protrusion sticking out from his shoulder blades!
Deep Sea Doc Ock
Okay, yes, octopi do belong in the water, I'll give them that.
However, they seem to have taken away all of his extra arms that make
him Doc Ock in the first place and turned him into a Cyclops, which
isn't very octopus-like at all. In fact, he bears an uncanny
resemblance to a certain He-Man figure:
Tri-Klops
Aqua Tech Namor
So far Namor
is the only character in this toy line that actually has anything
whatsoever to do with the ocean. But for some reason
they've given him a "shell wave blaster" to ride around on, which is
just silly for someone who can probably swim faster on his own. Oh and
he can also fly. They've also given him some strange body armor, which
while leaving all of his major organs completely unprotected, does at
least offer more cover than his usual green speedos.
Hydro Venom
I wish I could find the words for this, but I can't.
Wet Suit Spidey
Apparently Spider-Man has borrowed a gun from Cable that needs to hook
into the side of his neck to work. Or is that his ear? "This cannon is
powered by my listening!" And while the weight of his oversized arm
cannon and backpack are dragging him down to the ocean floor, he'll
again notice the complete oversight of any sort of breathing apparatus
whatsoever.
Aqua Carnage
Having mutated into living rock candy, Carnage says "Let's take a
swim!" and decides to face Spider-Man on underwater turf that they're
equally unfamiliar with. Oh wait. Carnage is kind of an idiot so that
actually makes sense.
Kayak Spidey
That's not a kayak. They may as well have called him "Pogo Stick
Spider-Man" or "One of Those Double-Decker Busses They Have Over in
England Spider-Man". But hey, check out the older paunchier version of
Kayak Spidey, also known as "Too Much Junk Food" Spider-Man:
Ocean Battle
Venom
When Venom prepares for a fight in the ocean, he magically enlarges
his hands so that they're easily three times bigger than his head. And
he works out with one of those big balls that people use at the gym to
do sit-ups on that every time I try to use I end up falling over and
looking like an idiot because sitting on balls is not natural, unless
you're a woman, gay, or have elephantitis of the testicles.
Sea Battle Spidey
Spider-Man on the other hand turns into a gelatinous version of
himself before he goes out for an underwater rumble. But perhaps in
this form he has the stinging power of a jellyfish? But more likely he
has the edible deliciousness of a gummy bear.
Hydro Float Spidey
Is it just me, or does this Spidey
look kind of like a gay construction worker? The big shoulder pads and
booties are so
last year, and most people opt to carry their tool kit rather than
have it grafted to their leg. And awww, look, I think he's wearing
floaties!
Sea Hunter Spidey
It doesn't look so much like Spidey
is going hunting as it does he's going skiing with all the wrong tools. Or maybe he plans to
stoke a fire with that poker and sweep up the ashes with the seashell
broom? Kind of hard to do underwater.
Scuba Splash Spidey
This one totally looks like he stole a Predator's helmet. And look! He
even comes with an ejaculating butt pump!
Extreme Wind Surfing Spidey
It looks more to me like Spidey
is about to compete in a bicycle race. But hey, kudos to Toy Biz for
hopping on the trendy bandwagon and having him be "extreme". Even if
it is just extremely gay. Oh
snap!
Web Cannon Spidey
I actually don't see a cannon here at all. Instead, it looks like he's
attached giant oranges (or testes... or giant orange testes) to his wrists. And look at the spider insignia
on his chest. He couldn't even get it on straight. That's just sloppy.
That
about sums it up. The rest of the figures are basically too similar to
ones already shown to bother including. Why Marvel and Toy Biz chose
to give Spider-Man a line of water-based toys when they already have
other characters (like Namor) who are more at home underwater, I'll
never know. But I'm glad they did. Because as long as they keep giving
me reasons to do a double take and wonder "what the fuck!?" in
the toy aisle, I'll be a happy camper.
Questions or Comments about this piece? Do you know of any other stupid or bizarre toy lines that should be given the same kind of attention as this?
email Protoclown
If you enjoyed this
piece, be sure to check out:
STUPID TOYS: PART 2!
|
