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When I
posted my tribute to the
Wacko-Saurs, I mentioned that
there were many other non-sports trading card sets that were
absolutely awful. While cards like the Wacko-Saurs fall under the "so
bad they're good" category, the cards I'm going to be covering in
this new series of articles are primarily of the "so bad you have
to wonder how quickly the people who put them into production were
fired from their jobs and then stoned to death" variety. So
without further ado, let's start looking at trading cards that
actually deserved to be left in your bicycle spokes.
Fuck
yes! Want to be the most envied kid in your school? Then you simply
MUST own the entire KOJAK trading card set! When your teachers
ask you what your excuse for not turning in your homework on time, all
you'll have to do is respond, "Oh, I'm sorry... I was too busy staring
at the glorious dome of Telly Savalas!" and they'll understand. Hell,
they'll pass you with honors for having such excellent taste. Who
loves ya, baby?
Well,
well, well... what do we have here? Why it's one of the many card sets
that tried to cash-in on the success of the Garbage Pail Kids. With
the case of Bathroom Buddies, they were FAR less creative than
some of the other GPK rip-offs, because almost every single card in
the set involved a toilet. But hey, if wacky pictures of cartoony
characters puking into the porcelain god are your cup o' tea, then
maybe this set is just right for you.
Ahhh,
Catwoman! How purrrrfectly cool we all thought she was. Oh wait, this
isn't the Catwoman played by Julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether or Michelle
Pfeiffer. No this card set is based on that fucking horrid atrocity of
a Catwoman movie starring Halle Berry. Look, when a movie is that
godawful, chances are you know it from day one, so why put out a
trading card set? Do you really think anybody wants to remember it?
This is the movie that was nominated for a whopping seven Razzie
awards in 2005. Maybe the reason this trading card set exists is
because they were desperately trying to find some kind of way to make
up for the 14 MILLION they paid Berry to be in the movie. Yeah,
good luck selling that many cards...
Growing Pains as a trading card set! Oh how fantastically awful!
Do we really need trading cards featuring one of the most typically
bland suburban white family TV shows to come out of the 80s? Wait a
minute... what was I thinking!? This set doesn't belong here at all! Any
trading card set that features a picture of Kirk Cameron with a giant
snake wrapped around his body and "LOVE ME... LOVE MY SNAKE!"
as a caption is clearly worth its weight in gold. Gold I say!
Ok,
Coke, we get it. They're big fluffy
Polar Bears. They're cute,
especially when the little cub takes a swig of soda. Awwwwwwwww
he's so cute, look at him drinkin' that big ol' bottle all by himself!
He couldn't be cuter if he was pooping butterflies! It was a
marketing campaign that worked well and I'm sure they sold a good
number of plush toys as a result, but did we really need trading cards
for them? Plus, these trading cards don't even feature the original
bears. Instead, we're treated to some badly drawn polar bears in all
sorts of crazy situations that I guess they hoped would evoke the same
kind of mushy emotions from the populace. Look, when you have a
picture of the polar bears blasting through the solar system in a
Coca-Cola spaceship, you've clearly lost vision of what the
original TV ad campaign was all about.
That's
right, it's everybody's favorite Puerto-Rican super boy band from the 80s,
Menudo! It's the perfect trading card set for teenage girls who
wanted to look at Ricky Martin and company performing their hits from
Evolución! Indeed, this was just one of the many things created
to cash in on Menudomania! It was also the perfect trading card
set for pedophiles who had a penchant for energetic young Puerto-Rican
boys in frilled pink and yellow outfits.
Hey
guys, watch out, I've got a BABY ON BOARD! Actually I don't,
and I couldn't be happier about it. Still, nobody can forget about how
popular those damned "Baby On Board" signs were for a while, and I
still see them in cars every now 'n then. Well, apparently Topps
wanted to try cashing in on it by creating their own parodies of the
popular yield signs called "Snotty Signs". The result was a set
of horribly unfunny and uninspired sticker signs with zany
lines such as "Danger: Zit Zone", "School Really Stinks",
"I Hate Kate" and "Roaches In Hot Lunch". Not even the
box design that was reminiscent of the Garbage Pail Kids could save
this set from certain failure.
The Great and the
Least,
The Rich and the Poor,
The Weak and the Strong,
In Sickness and in Health,
In Joy and Sorrow,
In Tragedy and Triumph,
You are ALL MY CHILDREN
Yes
indeed, what kid wouldn't want a trading card set based on a popular
TV soap opera show which covered controversial topics such as AIDS,
drug use and even grizzly bear encounters? And no, there wasn't a
grizzly bear card. This set primarily featured headshots of all the
actors. Exciting!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! "SICKIE FARTIN" INSTEAD OF RICKY MARTIN!? THAT'S IT, I'M
RETIRING FROM WRITING FOREVER BECAUSE I'LL NEVER REACH THAT LEVEL OF
COMEDIC GENIUS!
Welcome Back Kotter was basically the 70s version of Head of
the Class. Kotter was taught a remedial class of students known as
the "Sweathogs", the most famous of which was Vinnie Barbarino (played
John Travolta). If you wanna know who to thank for the phrase "up
your nose with a rubber hose", look no further than Vinnie. But
what made this show worthy of becoming a trading card set? Maybe I
need to take a remedial class too, because I'm completely stumped when
it comes to finding a reasonable answer to that question.
Don't
get me wrong, I loved the Gong Show for what it was - Chuck Barris
introducing us to gobs o' mindless entertainment from amateur acts
including the talents of tomorrow such as Paul Reubens, David
Letterman, Michael Winslow and Oingo Boingo. And really, you just
can't go wrong with a show that features Rip Taylor as one of the
talent judges. Fuck American Idol, it was all about the Gong Show. And
believe me, there were plenty of awful "talent" acts on the show for
the judges to rip into, just watch some re-runs of it and you'll see
what I mean. But like all good things, people always find a way to
spoil them. In this case, it was the Gong Show trading card set which
featured stills from the show with insipid captions that added
absolutely no humorous value whatsoever (ex: A photo of dancing trash
cans with the caption "we get some real trash on this show!")
Why they didn't ring the gong on this set before it hit production is
beyond me.
Ok,
that's all for now. Remember
this is just part 1 of these "Worst Trading Cards Ever" articles, so
if you happen to know of any card sets that I should cover, be sure to
email me and let me know! Also,
part 2 is now up online so be
sure to check it out!
Questions or Comments about this piece?
email -RoG-
If you enjoyed this
piece, be sure to check out:
Wacko-Saurs Trading Cards!
and
Dinosaurs Attack! Trading Cards!
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