HOME. Something I Wish I Could Keep In My Pocket
I have another problem. Big surprise right? Well my problem is
that I can't seem to leave my house and be able to maintain a
regular thought pattern. I can think up the most complex ideas
at my house, I even figured out the cure for Aids the other day.
I may know what I'm doing at home, but once I'm outside of my
living quarters, my mind turns to Pez. I can't remember who I am
half of the time, let alone what I even left the house for in
the first place. A few weeks ago I was picked up by the police
because I was wandering around the streets of Richmond asking
people if they had any margarine that they could spare. A bunch
of people actually had some on them and I thanked them all, but
I still kept asking for more and I don't know why I even needed
it. So the police brought me back home because this thing has
happened before and they understand my problem. Too bad I don't.
Anyway, that little margarine tidbit isn't anywhere near the
worst of what's happened. For example, if I want to leave my
house with any form of sanity, I have to sit at home for hours
planning EXACTLY what I plan to do.
One day, I decided to go to 7-11 to get something to eat and drink. I sat at home working on
an intricate little plan of how I would go about getting to
7-11. Unfortunately, I forgot to plan out how to open the car
door so that I could drive there. So, I got confused, and rode
my ride-on lawn mower up to 7-11. It actually got pretty good
gas mileage, but it took a few months. So I made it to 7-11 and
walked inside and I felt good just because I had made it that
far without any problems, and I even did the favor of mowing a
lot of yards on the way! I starting walking around the store
back and forth, and then it hit me, "-RoG-! You forgot to plan
out what you wanted to get to eat and drink!" So I rushed back
out to my lawn mower and sped home as fast as I could. I even
shaved my head with my Swiss army knife so my hair wouldn't add
to any wind resistance. By the time I got back home I already
had a new head of hair so it didn't really matter one way or the
other.
I took a few more hours of planning out my return to
7-11. I decided that I wanted a Slurpee and a stick of cheese
just so that I could cover all 2 of the basic food groups. I
also realized I would have to ride my little brother's
skateboard up to 7-11 since the lawn mower was out of gas now.
On my way to 7-11 I realized that it was much harder to go
through people's yards on a skateboard than on a riding lawn
mower. Still, I eventually made it there. I found my Slurpee and
my stick of extra-sharp cheddar cheese. With a smile on my face
I brought them up to the check-out counter. Then the lady told
me, "That'll be $1.69 sir." "Holy Jehova!" I thought to myself,
"I didn't bring any money!" So I knew that I would have to go
back home and get some. "I'll be right back, I have to go get
some money! Hold these here for me!" She nodded. So, I was on
yet another journey back to my house.
My brother's skateboard broke in half on the way home. I guess I shouldn't have gotten
involved in that baseball game and used it as a bat. Like I
said, when I'm away from home I get distracted and disoriented
very easily. So I happened to wander into a baseball game and I
hit a homerun with my brother's skateboard. Then the team of
little league kids proceeded to beat the hell out of me because
I interrupted their game. Anyway, I limped back home and sat
down on the floor to gather my thoughts. "OK, I need money to
pay for my Slurpee and my cheese and I need a new means of
transportation." I soon realized that I didn't have any money
because I didn't have a job. "It's high time I go into business
for myself!" I decided to setup a lemonade stand. I was able to
build it really fast since I built it in my house. I even had
the insight to make a few advertisement signs to hang-up
outside. I told ya that I can think really well inside my house!
I brought it outside and put it at the edge of my driveway and
hung a few of the advertisement signs that I made as well. So, I
sat out at my lemonade stand for days and days. I was the only
lemonade stand that was open 24 hours. It was really rough when
I had to sit outside during that hailstorm.
Well, two more weeks had gone by and I still hadn't sold a single glass of lemonade.
"I must be doing something wrong," I thought to myself. "Hey, I
don't even have any lemonade to sell! That explains why the
people keep driving by and making angry faces at me! How could I
have lemonade if I didn't have any money to buy it with!?" Then
it hit me, I needed to sell a different product that I already
owned. I walked around my house looking for anything to sell,
and then I found all of those cups of margarine that those kind
people in Richmond gave me. "That's it! I'll start the worlds
first margarine stand!" Within the first day I had made 100 bux
just by selling cups of margarine. It was time for me to go back
to 7-11. I had already planned out my new method of
transportation: a pogo-stick.
I hopped up to 7-11 on my trusty pogo-stick and there were a lot of people following me the
entire way up there for some reason. They kept telling me to get off of the road. By the time I got there, I
found out that all the money in my pockets had been falling out
due to my bouncing on the pogo-stick. Ironically, I had just
enough money to buy my Slurpee and cheese: $1.69. So I went in
there and the same lady was still working there, but my Slurpee and my cheese were no longer on the counter. "OK, I'm ready to
pay for my Slurpee and cheese now!" I told the nice lady. She
looked at me as if I was crazy, "I threw those things out a long
time ago because you didn't come back that evening! What's wrong
with you?!?" I was devastated, I sat on the floor and started
crying. "Now how am I going to get a Slurpee and cheese!??" Then
the nice lady told me that there was plenty more of them in the
store and that I could just fix myself a new Slurpee and get a
new extra-sharp cheddar cheese stick. "Really!? Thank you so
much! You're a life-saver!" I yelled with glee. So, I fixed
myself a Coca-Cola Slurpee, I found another extra-sharp cheddar
cheese stick, and I paid the lady my last $1.69 for them. It was
pretty hard drinking the Slurpee and eating the cheese on the
way home. If you've ever tried to have a meal while bouncing on
a pogo-stick you probably know what I mean. In the end, I made
it home with a full stomach and a shirt with a big Slurpee stain
on it and I felt great!
It was the first time in my life I had truly accomplished something important. I had figured out
exactly what I wanted to do and planned it all out carefully, I
mowed people's lawns, I started a margarine stand corporation,
and I even had a healthy meal. Life couldn't be better. Welp, I
hope you've enjoyed this little story about one of the most
amazing periods in my life. I would tell you another one, but I
can't remember any of them. So you wait right here for me and
I'll be right back! I just have to go home and remember what story I should tell you next!
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