Movie: "Star Trek V: The Final Frontier"
Year: 1989
Rated: PG-13
Genre: Action / Adventure
Directed by: William Shatner
Writing credits: David Loughery

Reviewer: Max Burbank
Posted: 2/18/2008

Plot: The Enterprise is hijacked by Spock's older brother Sybok, a Vulcan who embraces emotion. Hypnotizing most of the crew, they embark on a search for 'Shakari' or the Garden of Eden, which Sybok believes has an actual physical location in space. There they encounter a powerful being posing as God. The Alien and Kirk tussle, with predictable results.

Review: I believe the only thing better than really good Star Trek is really bad Star Trek. Those searching for top notch bad trek have quite a bit to choose from and there's much debate about just what's the worst. A lot of folks say "Spock's Brain", some folks feel the sheer length and glacial pacing of "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" makes it the most shameful trek outing, but my vote goes to the gloriously bad "Star Trek V: The Final Frontier"

Based on a story by William Shatner, directed by William Shatner, staring William Shatner... really, how could it go wrong? And here's the thing, as astoundingly bad a movie it is, "ST V" isn't unbridled Shatner. The Shat was reeled in over and over as this movie progressed from an idea to a film in theaters. By producers, by cast mates, by budget and bad luck, as Shatnery as this movie is, it's not what Shatner was shooting for. The only way to truly appreciate the splendid badness of this film, you have to read a book called "Captain's Log: The making of Star Trek V". It was written by Shatner's daughter who had a small role in the film and it's a chronicle of what could have been.

To start with, the Shat's original premise wasn't about a powerful alien masquerading as God. It was Kirk vs. God. And nobody could get the Shat to believe that a movie where Kirk went up against the lord almighty and handed him his omnipotent ass would be found... well, offensive by a lot of folks. He did eventually accept that absolutely no one was going to make that movie and backed off the idea that the baddy was authentically God, but he never did and still won't admit he was wrong.

Sybok was supposed to be played by Sean Connery. Everybody knows that it's a law of physics that any movie with Sean Connery in it is at least okay. But Connery decided he'd rather go be Indiana Jone's father, so they cast Laurence Luckinbill who you've never heard of because he sucks like a black hole. If any of you remember who Leo 'the love doctor' Buscaglia was, a sort of kinder, gentler, huggier forerunner of Dr. Phil, I'm pretty sure Buscaglia and Luckinbill were the same guy. Honest to god, he is just the worst, he acts the whole movie like a furniture store owner staring in his own commercial.

Most of the special effects budget went down the tubes in a hopeless quest for an army of Lava Men, who were supposed to be hulking Golem's made out of lava that God would summon out of the ground to attack Kirk and friends. This was eventually cut to five Lava men as test after test ate up the budget, then to two Lava Men and in the final cut I think if you squint you sort of see one Lava guy for second, and he looks like a fat man carrying a burning mattress.

If none of that makes you want to rent this movie immediately, there's also a backlit, buck naked Uhuru doing a fan dance to distract some bad guys and an alien cat chick with three boobs. This movie is best seen when drunk or brutally sleep deprived.

Overall rating:
(Scored on a 0.5 - 5 pickles rating: 0.5 being the worst and 5 being the best)