I think this piece, on itself, might cross the line between 'detached' and 'hard to understand'. I very much like stories that make you feel slightly detached and alienated, where the characters know more than you do and aren't telling, and where things are slowly, subtly being explained to you. It's why I like Stephen King's first version of the Gunslinger so much. But you probably need to give your audience a little more. Maybe just by adding a part, maybe by re-writing bits to give more info. There's something wrong with these characters, as can be gained from not only the fact that they're with a dead body at the moment, but also because they have slightly unbalanced ideas about the fire and the sun (“No, because it won’t die out.” Tom said. “It won’t die out, and no one will put it out.”).
The main thing is the alienation. Think of it as sitting in a train while people sitting next to you are having a conversation. When you can't at all glean what they're talking about, it just becomes annoying. If they occasionally mention something that gives you a foothold, something to let you understand what they're talking about and why they're talking about it, it becomes interesting.
Quote:
“I hear that, kid.” Tom said “You and I, we have our own deals but we’re both here so what does it matter?”
It was true. He was cynical, but what he had said really wasn’t. There was nothing else.
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It
sounds interesting, but a reader can really glean nothing from this.
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