Story I wrote

[Protoclown]

To be clear, I never said that your dialogue was stupid, I said it sounded childish. And right now it does.

If you're trying to rewrite Genesis, why are there two guys involved and why is the woman the snake? What purpose do these changes serve exactly? You need to think about this, because if they don't serve a purpose that FITS into the story you want to write, you should eliminate them. If you're trying to write a story that reflects the story of Genesis, then you can't go making major changes to that story and expect us to know what you're doing unless you make those changes for a very clear and understandable reason.

And if you're trying to connect the ideas in this story to Genesis and you do it well, you won't HAVE to clearly explain your intentions to the reader in a special introduction. We'll simply understand it from the reading. But right now you're not even close. The ideas just aren't meshing at all. Your metaphors could be good, but they're clumsy at the moment and they're unclear.

If fire is free will and the sun is God, you need to show us. Don't TELL us, SHOW us. Because right now they're not even remotely identifiable as such. My advice? Figure out what metaphors you want to use and plan for them. Plan on how you want to execute them in the story, use symbolic action between the characters to illustrate this idea. Show us the part where they make the fire.

And if both of these men are having an argument about whether they prefer free will or God, you need to SHOW us that they are different from one another. And if their deeds are identical (they both rape the woman) and we don't get into their heads and see what they are thinking about it afterward, then we're not going to see an appreciable difference between the two, and then they become "Fire Guy" and "Sun Guy" in a very contrived way because they have to fulfil those roles for your story to work the way you want it to. Don't force them into roles that they don't fit into. Slowly build them into the part you want them to play. Because based on your current descrption I don't think the reader will have any clue why one guy prefers God and one prefers free will except that you decided arbitrarily that it would be that way.

I'm not trying to be an asshole, I'm trying to encourage you to think more about this stuff before you really start getting it down in a narrative format.