you're just pissed off 'cause nobody is all like i-think-you-look-cute-in-those-plaid-pants-and-shit.
Got me there. I would be happy if I just heard it once.
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Gas and masturbation are highly unlikely to be connected with each other. Have you tried to stop masturbating? Has the gas subsided as a result? Perhaps you could try the same experiment by increasing the times you masturbate daily. Do you notice that the gas is increasing?