I'm dissapointed that there's not more. You're giving out the information at a good pace, and it makes me want to keep reading.
Didn't really see any problems in this peice. Nothing overt enough for me to really notice, any way. The part where you were talking about "plays" confused me a bit, but probably just becuase I've never seen the word written. Maybe use some synonyms instead of saying "plays" over and over again? Say theatre or something? It's probably just me, but it can never hurt to use more variety with words so consider it.
Also ...
Quote:
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Ben sits frozen, staring wide-eyed at the spider-like thing, feeling his innards knot up into a hard ball. Any minute now the thing will climb up, they both will, they’ll wrap them all in their fleshy legs and their webs and shoot them full of venom with their vice-like triple jaws and drink their organs like…
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A purely asthetic suggestion would be instead of using an elipses at the end use a dash. "triple jaws and drink their organs like-" It makes it more abrupt, and would transition into the instant releif of the next paragraph better.
Other than that I can't think of anything other than the subtleties that can only be learned by writting more. Which you should do. I've pretty much gotten over the flamboyent archtypes of the characters as they begin to develope more.
And you know? It's not fanfiction. The characters may seem a little one-dimensional still but at least you fucking made your own. And for that applaud.
Also, the swearblossoms were completely hilarious.
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