Alot of things have cleared up for me.

[sadie]

first, i want to say: OMG. HE'S A MOUNTAIN DEW DRUNK.

my mom's dad married this manipulative and controlling woman several years after he and my grandmother divorced; i was about nine or ten, i suppose. she wouldn't allow him to have much contact with his "old" family at all. once my mom took us to visit them and her family's pictures were all over the house; the one picture of our family was about ten years old and sitting behind a plant in the front foyer.

and one time we went to their house with christmas presents and a big poster we'd made: "merry christmas, granddaddy." the front window was open; the television was on; the car was in the driveway; but no one ever answered the doorbell. i never wanted to see him again.

when he grew very old, he and his wife were in a nursing home. his wife bitched and complained so much he asked that they be given separate rooms. he ended up asking us all for forgiveness, and i went to see him a number of times before he died. but i could never really forgive him for dissing us so badly. even though i could understand the reasons behind his actions, it was still wrong. i hated him for a long, long time.

it was at his funeral, when i was singing an a capella version of "amazing grace" on a dark grey, rainy day under a small tent in the graveyard, that i finally started to forgive him. i'm not sure whether it was because of my own guilt for not having forgiven him while he was alive that the seed was planted in me.

i was pregnant with my oldest son when he died, so it was more than twelve years ago. now, i wish i'd laid down my resentment and accepted his apology, gotten to know him. now, it's too late.