get rid of the explanation in parentheses in the second mini-paragraph. one of the worst things you can do as a writer is to assume that your reader is not as intelligent as you are. as a pretty prolific reader, i have come to ignore almost all text in parentheses. if i need to know what a word means, or desire to explore it further, i pick up my dictionary or do some research online.
i enjoy the simplicity of your writing style. this is not a derogatory comment, especially if you are gearing this story toward a younger crowd. i can't help but look at this as an introduction to a greater story. as a matter of fact, upon reading it the third time over, it seemed to me almost an outline for a small novella with each paragraph being a tiny glimpse into a larger chapter, save for maybe towards the end. i, too, see the underlying similarities between lotr and and what you have written here, but if you expand on your ideas, you will likely end up creating a story that is wholly unique to your writing style and any other similar fantasy story.
i think one of the most important things that a writer can have and should develop is their own voice. the stories seem to follow naturally after that, and if a writer tries to stretch his voice too far and is not careful about how he goes about doing this, the result is a work that seems forced and cold. your voice right now is clean and simple, with a very relaxed tone to it. it flows nicely and doesn't confuse. this is good for the younger reader, who can become easily sidetracked and lose interest in a story when the language is too highfalutin'.
alright. my work here is done. i hope that i have helped a bit. keep me in mind when you are writing this stuff. i love reading new things and i am pretty honest with what i like and don't like. i also try to give a good bit of advice when needed or requested.
good luck
now go look at my pictures in the "do you see what i see" thread in the art forum and comment on those as reciprocation.
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