The start of my vampire saga

[Emu]

Originally Posted by Super Machine Neo

From the looks of the stranger, he looks in his early/mid twenties. Looking at him, it seems like he's an industrial clubber, or a street punk due to his heavy black trenchcoat and blonde hair that is buzzed in the back, and long in the front, obscuring his right eye, which was covered by slim, red tinted sunglasses. A black, wide brim fedora-style hat is riding on his back. This is our saga's Damian Warrington.

This should be a seperate paragraph. Also, never use things like "early/mid." Ever. It sounds like you're talking in some kind of fucking AOL chatroom. "He looks to be in his early to mid-twenties." We're grown ups now, you can spell out whole words.

I don't know what an industrial clubber is. Is that like a modern Barney Rubble? That's another thing, even though 90% of your audience do indeed believe that they themselves are vampyrs or half-vampyrs ("Daywalkers" we call them in the business) you have to assume that they're all functionally retarded and don't know the technical terminology. I think you should stick with just "street punk" because that's pretty universal. I mean we've all beaten up street punks on Spider-Man: Maximum Carnage before, right? Right

Also, you sound like you're describing him for an oral report. Try things like "If his long, black trenchcoat is any indication of ... etc" Try to work his description into the sentence, instead of listing off his characteristics. This is a short story, not a DND character sheet.

Instead of saying "This is ... Damian" try expanding it a bit. "His name is Damian Warrington, and he will be the focus of this story." Also are there any vampires NOT named Damian/Damien/Daymyn? I would like to meet a vampire named Ernest. Or Frodo. That would be sweet. Actually wait no, scratch that last one, I think that LOTR gay vampire slash fanfic ruined that name forever.

"Can I help you?" the clerk says irately, not taking his eyes off his magazine.

Irately is a stupid word. Try "the clerk says, irritation evident in his voice. His eyes do not leave his magazine."

He stops.

Who stops? The clerk stops? Damian stops?

"No, thank you, I'll think I'll manage sir."

These are two seperate thoughts and should be written that way. "No, sir, but thank you. I think I'll manage." I'm deliberating whether or not you should wipe out that "sir" entirely.

Damian spoke in his native British Cockney accent. He then heads off to the Horror section of the store.

You've got it written backwards. You need to establish that Damian has an accent before he speaks, not after. Also, you should add in some sort of response from the clerk before Damian leaves.

Here's your finished product!

"Can I help you?" the clerk says, irritation evident in his voice. His eyes do not leave his magazine.
Damien pauses and turns to the clerk, addressing him in his native Cockney accent: "No, sir, but thank you. I think I'll manage."
"Alright," the clerk grunts. Damian makes his way to the horror section, perusing their selection.

While browsing through the large library of tapes, he sees a beautiful Asian woman crouched over on the other end of the section, reshelving the "Faces of Death" tapes. Her figure intrigued him. Grabbing the tape he wanted, he walked a little closer to her, and silently watched her shelf for a moment. He was enticed by soft look of her face. He then broke the silence.

Hold up a minute. I was under the impression that nobody was in the store besides Damian and the clerk. You should probably establish that there are other staff members present; you don't have to describe them, but just hint that more than one is in the store. It's not necessary, but it does give the reader the sense that there's activity in the background.

Also, fuck, you switched tenses in the middle of a sentence. "Grabbing the tape he wanted, he walked a little closer to her, and silently watched her shelf for a moment."

It should be "he walks a little closer to her, and silently observes her continue to shelve the tapes." I say "observes" because walks and watches sound too much alike and it makes it seem like you're repeating yourself.

Also, it's a universal rule that all vampire victims are blonde white women. Asians and black people are immune to the effects of vampirism, unless they're born into it. Duh. You've seen Blade.