Post your unfunny job storys (sic)

[FartinMowler]

I could smell gas as I stood up on the toilet. I was taking a dump, so I pulled up my Monkey tail to find it on fire. I was in love with Sophia and tried to kill myself. I was born with a Monkey tail and kept it secret until my 16th birthday. It was my 16th birthday and my friends bought me a hooker and having a huge wiener and a monkey tail I figured I would be able to make any woman happy but Sophia the hooker was turned off by my Monkey tail. I didn't mean to kill Sophia and my sudden out burst of jumping up and down like a Monkey combined with shitting on her cause Sophia to crash her car into a wall with me screaming and jumping up and down "I'm a Monkey" (pause) "don't you like Monkeys?" didn't help.