Oh god the internet you're so big I can't handle it you're out of control

[MockMeAmadeus]

You throw CaptianBubba into the mix and you're guaranteed to tear your funny cruciate ligament, I swear.

[Magreaux]

CaptainBubba THANK GOD! Listen, I will admit any day of the week that I am a miserable failure when it comes to "getting with a lady" to use the vernacular (perhaps the most miserable of all failures), and that I am most definitely a boring idiot who's entirely unworthy of an average lady's attention (plus I think i'm getting a bit too soggy around the midsection for my own good but that's a whole other problem). However I figure it might be nice to try this whole "getting with a lady" ordeal at least once of my own volition without the whole forceful-angry-lady-raping-me thing before I attempt some suicide later on down the road and actually maybe PULL IT OFF FOR ONCE, so perhaps you can help me out here (haha not with suicide, with wooing the LADIES). Okay here's the deal, the only thing i've got going for me is that I own a house. Like seriously, it's mine and there's no mortgage payments forever, only an electric bill and lawn to mow. And it's a nice house too, not at all a trailer! Anyway here's my question: is there any way at all in your infinite knowledge that I can exploit this homeownership in order to "get with a lady," because i'm telling you at this point i've got absolutely nothing else going for me. NOTHING.

[CaptainBubba]

Magreaux there is actually one way to use your home-ownership to get a female to let you enter her, and as far as I know only one way. Here is what you have to do and you'll be so pleased to hear just how easy it is!

Form a covenant with the dark lord Satan and offer him your house as a brooding den for the drooling minions of hell which will rise forth from the pools of filth that will fill every inch of your floor wall and ceiling. As the vile monstrosities tear through the walls dripping with menstrual blood so dark that it blots out all light, go to a bar and find a fat ugly woman and have sex with her in a taxi.

[Magreaux]

Unless mail-order brides have gotten way cheaper in the last few years, I don't think i can afford one. Thanks for the input though (that homeless girl idea might work later on, MAYBE). However for the time being I can definitely afford a Satanic covenant and taxi fare! CaptainBubba, you have my gratitude.