happiness is elusive ..

[george]

one day a few years ago (during my severance period when i go laid off from a pretty high paying job that i hated) i woke up in my bedroom and looked around and there was beer bottles, bags of dope, traces of other drugs, and just generally the sort of mess you'd find in a heavy drug users den. i was stunned by how far i had fallen out of the life i had lived before i just gave up.

i decided in that moment to get my shit together. i cut out drinking, all other drugs aside from pot (i just recently gave pot up too, sad to say but for awhile i really needed it to get by) and started taking on one problem at a time. i have been through a huge amount of shit since that morning, but every bit of trouble was directly related to fixing the problems in my life.

i have very few problems right now, there is a lot of change going on, and things are tough sometimes, but it is all the good kind of shit that hopefully will lead me to a peaceful, quiet existence.

but as for happiness, i really doubt i will ever be really happy again. most of the time i feel like a ghost in my own life.