SO WHAT'D YOU GET FOR CHRISTMAS?

[Sethomas]

The first thing I opened, at the extended family Christmastravaganza, was a remote-controlled toy car called on the outside of the box "The Unicorn". In the accompanying instruction manual (which I will eventually scan and post, I guess), however, it's referred to as "only shade monster". I also received two boxes of hookah tobacco from my aunt, and I thanked her for contributing to my drug use.

Christmas morning, I received:
-A small (35 cl or so, I guess) bottle of vintage 2002 Riesling Eiswein, replete with German on the bottle transcending my reading ability. It came with a handful of specially-matched gourmet chocolates in a nice presentation box.
-A clothes steamer, presumably the same one that my mother tired of using.
-Kurt Vonnegut's Galápagos
-A black Sean John long-sleeve, button-down shirt. My sister explained that I need to become in touch with my inner gangster.
-Two tins of chocolates that purportedly match to Merlot.
-A pound of Costa Rican coffee beans.
-Socks (assorted colors)
-Boxer shorts (black)
-A $15 gift card for Barnes & Noble
-A 100% cashmere scarf (black with gold trim)