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Zbu Manowar · #1

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zomboid

zbu, that was fucking great.

Thanks. I'll drop one right now that'll make that look sane.

Years ago I worked at a Toys R Us that underwent revamping into a brand new store. One of our regulars, a fairly corpulent guy whom I'll refer to as Doofus, didn't care for our new store. One reason was that he was in the range of 600-700 pounds and was about five foot two. He was a swell guy but with a horrible weight problem. He didn't walk as much as he waddled and despite the new air conditioning he would sweat like a slug. One of the jokes we had was that if he ever collapsed we wouldn't have to lift him as he would probably slide down any incline with the amount of sweat he put out.

Still, a nice guy.

One day when I was working as a cashier I saw him waddle in faster than usual. I thought it was because we got a new shipment of Spawns in (to be fair, it was probably more Star Wars figures as this was circa 1999) but I saw him disappear into the new bathroom. Since I was working a four hour shift, I didn't think any more about it until closing, when I was checking out the last few people. I then saw Doofus do a double-time waddle out the doors, faster than I ever saw him move.

Not two seconds after that? The floor manager, this hulking mound of sarcasm I didn't care for, ran after him at full speed. Doofus started hauling more ass and got into his car and nearly blew the shocks as he literally roared out of the parking lot, the floor manager still on his tail until he fell down in the parking lot, out of breath.

I'd been in retail for a few years and I knew that usually meant that the person being chased had stolen something. Yet I knew Doofus and he wasn't that type. He was so straight-laced that when he knew stuff was in like many of the other collectors, he wouldn't even bribe me or attempt to. He would simply wait. Anyway, I went back to helping out the customers and finally the store closed. And that's when I saw the floor manager over by the customer service desk, talking in terms with hand gestures that I knew meant 'big.'

Curious as all hell, I went over to see what was going on. The floor manager was pissed as hell and muttering 'it's not my concern, I'll fucking quit before I do that shit' and walked off in a huff. So I started asking what happened. The floor guys--really cool guys as well--basically told me the story:

Doofus ran into the bathroom at around 5pm. At 7pm one of the managers was alerted by a customer that someone in the handicapped stall in the men's room was 'having trouble.' Concerned, the manager asked if anything was wrong and Doofus responded with a 'no.' But apparently the groaning and grunting betrayed that fact. The manager took him at his word and let Doofus to his peace.

At 8:30pm, the manager was notified of another incident in the men's room of an overflowing toilet. Again the manager went in to see Doofus still on the can, unresponsive. The manager started making some noise about calling an ambulance and Doofus managed to utter something about 'being out in five minutes, I'm sure' and asking to be left alone. The manager again went out of the bathroom and started putting out Wet Floor signs and a mop. He also gave a call to 911 about this issue.

Three minutes later, Doofus made his run for freedom. He apparently caught the eye of the floor manager, who then saw the water leaking out of the bathroom, went inside, saw the damage, and took off after Doofus and narrowly missed him getting out of the parking lot. Apparently one of the side effects of Doofus's weight problem was a 'severe intestinal blockage' that had, after many weeks, had finally come loose while Doofus was on the way to TRU. Three and a half hours later, his problem was over and he decided to make a run for it.

From what the Roto Rooter guy said after he finished vomiting at the site, what Doofus had done is probably shit himself on the way there. After exerting himself to get to a toilet, he probably unleashed most of his waste there in a painful fashion and kept on 'going' well after the incident due to his system 'purge.'

The damage:

One broken toilet bowl (stress fractures from the weight)
One new plumbing system for both new bathrooms
New tile floor due to the chunky lime green overflow and water damage
New ceiling tile due to 'smell concerns'
Five bottles of concentrated Lysol to remove staining from various items within the bathrooms
One hefty charge from Roto Rooter due to the extraction of a pair of 4X Briefs that can only be found in your finer Big & Tall stores
One bent handicapped railing
One new black industrial toilet seat due to 'green staining'
One banned man from the store for life

I actually saw the damage myself and it still haunts me to this day. An industrial toilet with green milkshake waste that piled out of the top of the bowl. I'm not sure where Doofus is now, but I hope to God he got help or at least died without any more pain. I never saw him after that.

Still, props to Roto Rooter for being the nicest and funniest guys at work that week. They are truly the bravest of the brave.