Jul 30th, 2008, 11:06 PM
Eat my answers and vomit your joy upon me...
1. you decide to change jobs. do you tell me? Why does this matter? You're in like Cleveland, 8 hours away...are you going to stop me? Hold an intervention? Oh...wait...this is one of those chicky questions about if we were dating, isn't it? This is a whole test of those chicky questions about if we were dating...fuck me...
2. do you talk to my friends about what boobs look like in california? I...wait, what? Have I recently been bludgeoned about the head? Lobotomized? Fuck that. I'm much more prone to talk about California as being a stain...or say something vile, like how California is the Anal Bleaching of contiguous states...i'm sure it really does something for a certain class of vile cretin, but I personally don't see the point.
3. a woman calls you and i ask who it is. do you tell me it's your boss pretending to be a girl? Again with the bludgeoning...the kind of retard it would take to cheat and lie about it...well, okay, i've probably been that retard. But the kind it would take to cheat on YOU? I value my veins too much for that.
4. after having sex you tell me you're sorry. why? Because apparently we're still in the Upside-Down World of Make Believe. First off, this would require me to have sex...so you see why this is too absurd for me to continue.
5. would you ever tell my best friend that you raced to new york city after 911 and rescued a dog from the rubble? Nobody would believe me capable of that level of compassion.
6. would you hide porn from me? even if it was really bad porn? Porn...and let me qualify this by saying ESPECIALLY bad porn...is like chinese food. It's meant to be shared.
7. quick we're out of milk and money doesn't come in until friday what to do? Hook your tits up to a vaccuum cleaner like any sensible fucking person.
8. if i asked you how much your snap on account was up to would you lie and tell me $500 or tell the truth and say $5000? Does snap-on make a drill press out of 151 proof hookers and crack or something? What nimrod, with a joint bank account, lies about money to his WIFE? No lobotomy is that thorough.
9. we can't pay rent this month. do you promise to take care of everything and tell me not to worry or do you let me fucking handle it? If you have a plan, I'm all ears. If you don't have a plan, I'm pretty sure I can...oh, wait, these are all on the faulty premise that i'm stoned or retarded or something. Don't worry, sweetie, I'm sure the rent will pay itself.
10. how many cigarettes would you go outside to smoke if i was in labor at the hospital giving birth to your child? A fucking truckload. I'm not even joking about this shit.
11. do you own any books that don't have to do with getting rich quick? I was a business major...all my old textbooks are essentially about this subject. The important thing is that books on management strategies and accounting principles are about getting rich quick by legitimate means, not cockamamie pyramid scams.
12. have you read them? Yes.
13. did you really go to college? If not, that was a shit-long horrible nightmare.
14. when i'm about to walk into a room filled with your family will you tell me "don't say anything about anything" while expecting me to know what the hell you're talking about? I never, ever, EVER expect anybody to know what the fuck i'm talking about. That said, no...because my family is awesome and slightly bonkers. You'd love them.
15. do you talk in cliches? No, I just say 'fuck' a lot.
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