Legends Of Kamelot

[Kulturkampf]

CHAPTER II: I SAY GOODBYE TO MY FAVORITE PROSTITUTE & EAT A DELICIOUS OMELET FOR BREAKFAST

I came into full consciousness and looked down at Yolanta sleeping on the floor and I felt a sense of regret. I also felt still far too caught between drunk and sober. I needed to get drunk.

I also needed to repent for my actions last night. I realized in my heart of hearts that this was no way to live my life and in this drunken nature I had essentially jeopardized what could be the last woman I pursue in my life. Of course, it was too soon to think of her as 'the last woman I would pursue in my life' but this didn't matter. I was a man that was into extremes.

I am not happy unless something seems hopelessly important and melodramatic.

I would never take any half measures in my life and would not start by minimizing the importance now. Somehow, if I could make everything seem important it would be. Right.

I tiptoed over Yola and searched for a clean pair of pants to put my dirty ass in. Yola woke up for a second and I looked at her and quickly came up with a lie:

"I am going to go to the gym. I need to work out." I figured this was a great lie. I look good in this lie... I am young and aspiring and I might not be overweight someday or something like that. She nodded and went back to bed. It was 10 AM. I guess I had only slept for a few hours.I put on the pants. My legs felt dirty against the clean Levi 501s. I pealed off my old shirt and walked out of the room holding the new under my armpit. I liked the way my barrel chest looked in the mirror in the hall and I thought the beer belly didn't look so bad.

I thought about my uncle Brian. I looked similar to him. When I was a boy I looked up to him and knew he was a real man because he drank a lot, chewed tobacco, had a giant chest and arms and a beer belly. I thought this was a great image to pursue -- a man who looked like Bluto from Popeye and spoke in a gravelly voice and was a carpenter by trade, just like Jesus and my dad.

Outside the room I saw Katarzyna and Jan were sleeping in front of my TV with a copy of Lord of the Rings II on. I was tempted to watch but I figured I would be back before the Battle of Helmsdeep. They looked nice and pleasant and I think they were a good example to have in my life. Cliff and Kamyar were sleeping near Cliff's bong. It looked like they fell asleep while smoking it.

I pulled a half consumed bottle of Wodka from the fridge and plugged my nose so I could swig a sizable amount to push me back over into the land of intoxication. I decided to do this twice to be sure. Then a third time for good measure.

I realized I had grabbed one of my favorite shirts to wear and I had intended to wear it on a special day. For a moment I thought about putting my "Better Dead Than Red" shirt away but I knew today was special. So I wore it anyways. It shouldn't get too dirty. It would be off in 30 minutes. Then on again. Then I'd be back. I'd watch the battle of Helmsdeep and wake up Kamyar and everyone else by noisily preparing ramyeon.

I walked calmly and quietly. It was Saturday morning and the only people who were out at 10 AM were lamers who didn't party the night before so I disrespected them by putting on my most arrogant and aloof expression. I gave a beggar all my change and listened to Burzum on my iPod.

A really old looking woman gave me an evil eye when I walked into the prostitution district and I smiled at her and bowed. She remained motionless for a few seconds and gave me the slightest bow in return.

It must suck living next to the prostitution district.

I walked quickly.

I was drawn there like a magnet and I saw her delicate face behind the glass window. Her name is Bora and she is 22 and I fuck her for $60 at a time.

She smiled and laughed and said something about how she was waiting for me but I didn't catch it all because she always spoke in a shitty Choella accent. Whenever she spoke fast I only caught half of it.

As I went to the other room and undressed and as I waited for her to return in only a bra and panties I wondered how much money I would save in the coming months not fucking prostitutes anymore. I wondered if I could give all this money to poor people and be a saint. I could help people. Change their lives. Make things easier for them. I wondered if I could invest all this money in Yolanta and be an overly kind and excited boyfriend -- the sort that sweeps a woman off of her feet and convinces her that she is the man for him.

Maybe I could buy more CDs or just watch my bank account get fatter. I could get a five string bass guitar. I wasn't sure why I needed this. I always played in drop C and only used the top two strings.

When Bora entered the room I started consciously blocking out everything that was happening because I suddenly regretted coming here in the first place and I wanted to start crying and for a moment I was about to get up and leave. I wanted to cry because this was wrong and I was a bad Christian and had always been a bad Christian and I didn't want to be a bad Christian and Jesus was talking to me.

I started to get an erection from Bora's supple lips. And "Jesus wept." John 11:35. The shortest verse in the Bible. And Jesus wept like Yolanta and as I became fully erect Jesus asked me why I was doing this to him and then I ignored Jesus for the next 10 minutes of my life and concentrated on getting off so I could say to Jesus,

"You know... I was just... Having a rough morning... And... I..." but then I realized I couldn't really lie to Jesus because he is omniscent and so I just started to say in my mind while I had Bora in the doggy style position, sorry, Jesus, I just do not understand why you love me at all. It is so naive. It is like loving the snake that is about to bite you. It is like loving the Lioness that is clamping down on your gazelle neck and crushing the life out of you.

Jesus, it is wrong for you to love me because I am only going to hurt you.

I stopped thinking about Jesus and I licked my finger and began stimulating Bora's rectal cavity with it, sucking on it several times and tasting some rusty substance that I guess was Bora's anus, until I finally put it in and she bucked back against me harder and I did my best to finish quickly.

Jesus, it's OK. You can love me again. I feel like I am born anew and I won't have to do this ever again.

We've made our peace.

Now weep no more and go forth and Love the rest of the world and forget me to my woman, my alcohol and my working class job. I will give my soul to you each time I pray before meals and I will give you all of my children's souls and I will argue for you on the internet debate forums. Goodbye for now, Jesus. Love, Verv.

I thought about the video I saw of a Nepalese man getting his head cut off and the weird, hollow scream-gurgle he made as he died. I wondered if Jesus made this sound when I ejaculate inside of prostitutes.

I thought of the woman who wrote the book When The Rabbit Screams or something like that. Rabbits have no vocal chords and make the strangest bellowing noise. The woman who wrote this book heard two women in Germany make this sound when they were recounting the times they used to be raped by their fathers.

Did Jesus make this sound when I ejaculated? This strange... Weird... Exhale of air... I figured it sounded like the Nepalese man who got his head cut off in the video I saw.

The Nepalese man was a Communist rebel or something so I guess he might have theoretically deserved it. Jesus wasn't into politics that much so I guess He doesn't deserve this.

Bora looked back at me and laughed and before she could say anything I spoke.

"This is the last time, Bora. I am going to give you a tip." She looked at me suspiciously and she didn't believe me because I had said this before. I jumped off the bed and never looked back at her. She said something about how I should wear a scarf because it is December and cold and I agreed and I wished her a nice Saturday.

"Go to Church tomorrow. And if you ever need anything, just call me. Have a good life." I didn't know what else to say and she laughed at my words and I laughed back, I wasn't sure if it was with her or at her or at myself.

I bundled up and went home and I got back just in time to watch the Battle of Helmsdeep. Everyone was asleep and I was excited and wide awake and I love the part when the guy is standing in front of the castle's entrance and says,

"Whatever comes through that door... Stand your ground!"

Mentally, I said the same and I looked over at the door to my room and Yolanta came out quietly and offered me a smile and proceeded through the hall delicately.

She asked me how my work out was and I said it was so good I even ejaculated. She laughed. I laughed. Donia taught me the word for ejaculation in Polish a few weeks earlier and I somehow remembered only the medical term for it it so I guess it made me sound sophisticated and like I wasn't fucking a whore 25 minutes ago.

Yolanta even laughed a little more a few minutes after the joke and told me how smart I was in my Polish studies.

She asked me where the eggs were and made me an omelet. She used some Swiss cheese. I really like Swiss cheese in my omelets.

I think I even like omelets more than I like sex. But you can't eat an omelet all day. Especially not on the weekends.

The omelet was better than the sex and I felt really a whole lot better about the whole situation and took out Lord Of The Rings II and put in the film Quarantine because it was scary and I wanted to see Yolanta scared.

She screamed out and grabbed my arm several times and during the final 10 minutes of the film she intermittently watched the film and buried her head in my chest. She was very scared. I liked it a lot. I think I might have fallen in love or something.

Other people were waking up when she screamed during the final 7 seconds of the film and she looked cute and flushed and she made them delicious omelets, too.