Thanks Vibe. That does help a lot.
I've lost count of the imaginary conversations that I've had over this, ranging from everything working out to both of us ending up hating each other forever.
And it's much easier to say "let it go" than it is in reality. I dunno what it is that triggers the difficulty, though. I with my ex (psycho ex) when the relationship ended, it was just... whatever. I didn't care. In fact, I was happy. I was a little bit sad, but that maybe lasted a couple days and it didn't affect my health at all.
I have tried to let go of this, believe me. I have tried for three months ever since she told me that she "wasn't sure if we should be dating or just really close friends." Everything she said either introduced a whole new angle, or even worse, contradicted something the had said no more than 5 minutes earlier. I have a feeling that she was also confused, and I would have really liked to be able to talk with her about it. I just keep thinking about it over and over.
Every time I tried to let go, part of me would hang on and then take over again and in a few days I was depressed all over again, probably about some other little detail that I had suddenly remembered. Then I would go through everything start to finish, over and over. Each memory rehearsed again and again and again trying to find some clue that could have--no, should have--tipped me off.
That's probably why my letter ended up being 11 pages long, everything just came out in one big rush.
Over the last couple weeks, I've realized that there isn't much that I can do about it. Closure would be really, really nice... or reopening for that matter. After all of this, I still care a lot about her. I can't really explain it. Fatbinge and Pub and everyoen else I've talked to think I'm nuts because of it.
But, if she doesn't return the feelings, or wants to avoid everything, that's her choice and I have to respect that and try to deal with it as best I can.
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