I've been thinking of my childhood and what has effected me to grow up as the warped individual I am. One thing stuck out in my mind. When I was 6 nothing kicked more ass (outside of Power Rangers and the Real Ghostbusters) then Ferngully.
The year was 1992, Grunge was topping the charts and mullets were topping heads. The fad of the day was Eco Pop-agandah, Captian Planet was battling hairspray being overused and Nirvana was battling hair bands being overplayed. Dirt was popular. So popular that one man who would later make a global warming movie was being elected Vice president. His wife Tipper just got done suing twisted sister for indecency and had not yet sued Mortal Kombat for indecency, (she was right to do it, niether has made anything decent since 1995) the guy who wasn't always fat remember? Anyway the stage was set to brainwash a new generation of Neo-hippies.
Ferngully: the Last Rainforest, was the story of the last rainforest in the world (located in Australia, who knew they had a rainforest?) about to be torn down in the not to distant future... which apparently is exactly like the late 80s but with more people breaking out into song spontaniously. The big draw of the movie was Robin Williams who played a tweaked out pile of fur with ADHD. Yeah BIG stretch for him huh? His name was Batty. Born in a marketing meeting similar to Poochy on Itchy and Scrathcy "We need bat who is totally 90s, a schmere of surfer and he should rap about animal testing, name him something like Batty but more pro-active"
What seems to be the problem Ossiffer?
Batty the rocking bat was what I told my mom was why I liked the movie. In reality it was Crysta, it was ALWAYS about Crysta. Whose native tan skin, sexy black hair, and feminine curves, as well as her falling for an abnormally stupid blonde guy, bear a striking resemblence to my Filipina Fiance. (I told you it affected me to his day) That Wilma Flinstone gone naughty outfit and that hot body gave me feelings in my pants which I did not yet understand. (and led to an interesting day in first grade which is another thread altogether) but enough about my rigormortis stricken childhood wee wee.
Boi-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoing
There was more to FernGully then this pocket sized preteen-penis plumping pixie. The movie had a clear and overstated message. Essentailly that Republicans are killing our planet and you have no hope to live to the age of 12 because our environement will be all gone by then. Republicans would stand befor the last tree on earth and if offered a dollar would go all "Reagan SMASH" on it. Which brings us to our villain. The bad evil embodiment of pollution Hexxus, who convinces stupid men to kill innocent trees in exchange for money. Essentially a big black Ronald Reagan except without the morals and cold war policy.
Which had more grease and oil in his hair?
The aborigenal fairies live in peace with nature. By which I mean wearing almost nothing and avoiding getting eaten and riding beetles like drunken broncos with wings. All is well unless your Pip who's gf doesn't really like you. That's right the little fairy native girl wants a white guy, she has cracker fever. But Pip had it coming cause no man should wear gel bracelets. Enter the humans. Dumb, money hungry, oblivious. That's what all hippies view normal people as.
note the 5 O'clock shadow, an aincent disney affect representing stupidity
If it helps Slash and burn is often misunderstood. When a normal forest is choked with weeds and snakes and what not the lumber is taken and the underbrush is burned and afterwards you're left with rich ash and fertelizer and the trees are replanted. Slash and burn is part of the circle of life, but with more charred squirrels. Speaking of Slash, Zak seems to like Hairmetal. Don't worry he'll no the evil of hairspray soon enough.
*disclaimer hairspray has not included ozone depleting materials since the mid 70s*
Anyway a tree is about to fall on Zak so Crysta shrinks him. She also is such a n00b she doesn't know how to unshrink him. But his worries about being beaten up by Inch high Private eye quickly fade when he realizes he may get red hot fairy loving. (by which I don't mean like when my Supervisor Tim goes to that all male bath house that plays techno music)
note in both pics he looks directly at her boobs
At first he doesn't care about deforestation, Then Crysta makes the same face my GF does when she wants me to buy her something. Then he changes his mind. Like me.
Buy me the big one, pweeeeeeeeze?
Oh it got worse... much worse. This is easily the most confusing scene in the movie. Zak is carving his and Crysta's name in a heart in a tree with his trusty pocket knife. For an Aussie in the Crocodile Dundee years that is a pretty small knife. Crysta is shocked and uses her fairy magic to show Zak that the tree feels pain. That's right you vegetarians. Your not all good not eating animals, you should be eating cows so they don't hurt INNOCENT GRASS! Don't eat corn or beans either cause that's plant abortion and it's the only abortion hippies care about. Of course since I was 6 years old this basicly made me think the only thing that I wasn't killing something while eating was sugar (Which I thought at the time was a mineral and not from sugarcane as I know now) So I went on an all sugar diet for a week. I enjoyed it immensley and for a brief time was convinced I was a hummingbird.
Do I carve my intials in your skin? You lousey mullet wearing punk.
It's at this point that Mr. pollution the reject boss from Zen: Intergalactic eco Ninja, is on HIS WAY TO THE VILLAGE! Can Crysta Stop him? Will Zak and Crysta ever do it? And Which Main character will die?
[Spoilerbox] Yes, No, Magi Luna [/Spoilerbox]
Well that's the end of that. What's left?
Group Hug!
It had precisly zero affect on environementalism. Essentailly all that save the rainforest crap was just like the switching to metric system crap. My SUV gets 2 miles to the gallon downhill and that's the way I like it. In the end it became the highest grossing non-disney animated movie of it's time and it's computer powered shading and beautiful dancing on top of a tree puddle scene made Pixar what it is today and led it to be the leader in the computer generated crappy kids movie industry.
if she hadn't put up her hand I could have grabbed boob
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