Story Time

[CaptainBubba]

Once upon a time, in a far-away land called "Memphis Tennessee", I was going to a public school called Houston Middle where my 7th grade science teacher did not know that Animals was its own kingdom of living things. I spent most of my time playing Pokemon and Turok with my best friend at his house. My sister was friends with a girl whose brother went to a private school and thought I would get along with him since he played video games too. So the play date was arranged and I was going to meet Random.

We didn't really hit it off exactly but he had expensive video game systems and several computers with starcraft installed so I went over pretty frequently.

Now I should describe Random so you have an idea of why we didn't really match.
Random would spontaneously and erratically talk about his made up sexual endeavors or love of sex with the ladies. He once claimed that he lost his virginity at the age of 4 while skinny dipping with a supermodel, and though he was too young to have developed sexually that it "felt awesome". He boasted over 400 sexual encounters and would frequently begin singing about how much he loved sexing the ladies. Random collected trench coats and paintball guns and fake grenades, though he would adamantly defend their authenticity and true danger. Random would sometimes claim that he was in fact a Super Saiyan and would threaten to go Super if he was angered about something. I did not like Random.

Eventually Random ended up meeting my best friend and they just fell in deep guy love. I'm talking over at his house every day, emulating his every move guy love. As this progressed I ended up hanging out with both of them less and less. In one instance my best friend would not let me play a SNES game Random had let him borrow because Random had told him that I was not allowed to, because I was dumb and would destroy the game. Eventually my best friend ended up locking me in his garage to prevent Random from seeing me over at his house and getting jealous.

My mom transferred me to the very same private school random attended and I found new friends.

One day I decided this would be a funny story to tell my new friends, with Random being such a terrible character and all. They didn't believe me. They did not believe that there could exist such an obnoxious idiot. So began project Random.

The initial purpose of this project was simple. We all befriend random, observe his behavior, and then disappear having confirmed that he is a terrible mistake. I should point out that we were in 9th grade and Random was a junior also.

After the very first meeting with my best friends Random began calling them every day at least 5 times. He would walk with us in the hallway and generally considered us his best buds after maybe 2 days. They were surprised to find out that he was even worse than I remembered. He had developed habits like rapping about the "b's and the hoes and the bows" to my friend in a crowded mall, or explaining to my other friend what the inside of a vagina looks like when sitting down in the cafeteria at school. Of course he still talked about how awesome it would be for him to just bust out the super saiyan and kick some ass too.

In time he ended up being invited to hang out with us and some of our girl friends. This was a mistake. Random barely talked to them. He said maybe 2 words sheepishly and probably waved when they departed. the next day while talking to him about something unrelated Random began bragging about how he was dating 2 girls at once. We were curious and inquired further. apparently he was now dating both of our friends who had come by! We were pretty skeptical so we ended up asking them and they were confused since they didn't remember who he was.

We decided this would be the perfect time to enact the second part of the project, which is where we just cut off all contact with him and pretend we never met him. He would call upwards of 20 times a day and would yell at us in the halls. This was expected, and we thought it was funny. The problem was that his new "girlfriends" also would not pay attention to him, and this ended up escalating into an incident where he came into the school library with a trench coat on and threatening both of the girls with the "shotgun in his car trunk" if they didn't admit to being his girlfriends.

When the school went on panic lockdown mode and they said there was a kid angry at his "girlfriends" all I could really do was smirk.