|
This time of year, the weather changes from the oppressive heat
of the summer, to the biting cold of winter. I’m not angry about
it, though. Quite the contrary, you see. Whereas some might be
content to lounge about in the sun, baking their skin to a
crisp, or tossing a Frisbee back and forth on a balmy summer
afternoon, I’d much rather spend my time adding layer after
layer of clothing to myself, and trying to coax feeling back
into my digits.
You see, I prefer the cold weather to warm weather. Others will
tell you that there is nothing quite as fine as a sunny day in
the mid seventies (or twenties for our friends using the metric
system). That’s a load of bunk. Anyone who knows me will tell
you that I count the sun among my worst enemies. He’s always up
there, looking down on you with that cocky glare, watching you
squirm in the heat he creates, reveling in your suffering. It’s
no wonder the ancient Aztecs worshipped him out of fear. No,
that is one astral body that I would not like to pay any homage
to.
Putting my ludicrous grudges aside, however, there are other
reasons to hate the warm climate. Take Greek mythology, for
example. It tells us that winter is caused by the goddess,
Demeter, who wanted to show how angry she was that Hades tricked
her daughter into a Grecian shotgun wedding. And so you see, the
forces of hell are indirectly responsible for winter. Think
about it: all the best stuff comes from hell. Music, movies,
candy, snack foods, cars, building material, the list goes on and
on. To that end, winter must be good because Hades has a good
track record when it comes to recommending things.
Of course, the main reason to hate warm weather is because it is
warm. You see, when you’re cold, you can simply put on more
clothing or start a fire. When you’re hot, though, when you’re
hot is when you’re really screwed. When sweat is pouring down
your face, you can drink water and towel off, but then you’ll
have no water left and you’ll have befouled a perfectly good
towel. Moreover, when you’re hot, there’s only so much clothing
you can take off before you have to start cutting off chunks of
yourself like the lawyer from Se7en.
That's right, laugh it up, kid.
There’s another reason to hate warm weather: Fatness. You see,
when you’re fat, you heat up quickly and easily because you’ve
got that extra layer of blubber hanging off of you like a flesh
toned inner tube full of beef tallow. And why do you want to get
skinny? So you won’t be sweating like a pig when you pick up the
morning newspaper, of course. And there’s your proof. The
ultimate objective is to escape from the tyrannical grasp of the
dæmons of heat.
Let it not be said that I was unfair to heat-lovers in this
piece, however. Why, some of my best friends love warm weather,
love the feeling of the sun roasting them alive whenever the
clouds aren’t there to shield them, and love *shudder* physical
activity. They deserve an equal share of the humor pie as well.
With cold weather comes the cold season. A season I am all too
familiar with. Once the temperature falls below seventy degrees,
I instantly develop cold symptoms. I’ve even exploited this
gift/curse to predict the weather far more accurately than any
self-proclaimed “meteorologist.” Where do they get off giving
themselves such a misleading name? I’ll bet most of them have
never seriously looked at a meteor and said, “I wonder if that’s
the one with the aliens behind it?” Hell, I’ll bet those poseurs
don’t even know the difference between meteors, meteorites, and
meteoroids. I certainly didn’t until a recent trip to
dictionary.com, but then again, I don’t go around calling myself
a “meteorologist.”
You don't know how good you have it, dad...
Anyway, if I may further distance myself from those liars,
another problem with cold weather is that you have to put on a
bunch of extra clothes. If you’re like me, you have trouble
keeping track of the clothes you’re wearing, let alone a bunch
of peripherals like jackets and gloves and such. Of course, if
you’re like me, you deserve a medal, you devilishly handsome
rogue, you.
Winter also brings less than favorable driving conditions. For
me, winter isn’t complete until my car starts to slide around on
the road like a toddler going down the big plastic slide in the
park… Alright, I admit that that wasn’t my most cogent simile,
but my point remains that driving in the winter is a pain in the
ass. Also, I’m in the middle of my aforementioned seasonal
illness. That said, cut me some slack, Jack. Or Jill, if you
prefer.
And so you see the dual nature of clod weather, being both good
and bad. Fabulous and crummy. Savior and villain. Rocky I and
Rocky V. Matrix Revolutions and Matrix Reloaded. Now, some of
you warm weather fans, and to a lesser extent warm weather
sympathizers, might want to point out that I only cited three
examples of winter flaws and four examples of winter pros. Well
I’m sorry, but life isn’t fair. It’s like when you go to buy a
bag of Doritos from the store, but you find out that the bag is
mostly just Doritos-smelling air, and not so much of the orange
chips you crave. All I can tell you is not to obsess over it, or
you’ll end up empty inside, just like the Doritos bag.
Now that those heat-loving pussies have been dealt with, all
that’s left to do is dismiss my fellow cold-loving fanboys. It’s
November, and that means it’s time to open your windows and
crank up the AC while all the other meatheads out there are
struggling to heat their fragile, waif-ish frames. Once your
microscopic heating bill arrives, it will be you who has the
last laugh. That said, I’m going to go get myself a cold drink
and stand outside in the blistering winter winds. I trust you
can show yourself out.
note: Dr. Boogie currently lives in
the Bahamas.
|
