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I was sitting in the mechanic's waiting room this morning for oh... 6 hours or so as I waited for them to finish putting a single hose on my goddamned car, and I happened to be watching
TV. It was one of those annoying morning shows that tells you nothing of value, yet somehow manages to waste an entire hour of your time. Anyway, they had a
psychiatrist on there, and they were talking about whether or not parents should punish their children for getting bad grades. And, furthermore, if they should reward them for getting good
grades or not.
Now, first off, I'm no parent or anything, but I certainly wouldn't heed this lady's advice if I was. She said that if your kid got a bad report card, you shouldn't get mad at them. You should sit down and talk with them about it in a calm fashion. "Be sure to express your disappointment with them and that you know they can do better" was one of the things she said. Then she went on about how if you yell at the kids or punish them, that's not going to help them with their problem at all.
I disagree.
If you have a kid, or if you ever have a kid, and he/she gets a bad report card, you should do the following. First, sit them down at the dinner table. Have a REALLY NICE meal prepared in the kitchen. The kind of meal that people would kill for.
Huge steaks, mashed potatoes, french fries, hamburgers,
fresh-baked breads, cakes... the works! Fix yourself a nice heaping plate full of all of this great food. Pour yourself a nice huge glass of milk. AND IT BETTER BE WHOLE MILK! NONE OF THAT PANSY-ASSED 1/2% SHIT THAT TASTES LIKE WATER!!!
Ahem, where was I?
Ah yes, so when you sit down at the kitchen table with your big plate of food, your kid will ask you, "Where's my food?" Smack your forehead as if you completely forgot about them and then get up and say, "Oh I'm sorry! I'll get it for you!". Head over to that big pile of food that looks so tasty and then walk right on by it. Open up the cupboard and take out a can of dog food. Make sure it's the kind that has the "big beefy chunks!" label on it. Put it in a bowl for your kid. Then, get a glass out and head on over to the bathroom. Fill that glass up with all the toilet water it can hold. Preferably the blue kind of toilet water, but any toilet water will do. Now bring the
dog food and the toilet water back to your kid and say "Bon Appetit!"
When your child asks why you're giving them such a horrible meal, simply tell them, "Well, judging by your grades, I'd say you're about as smart as our dog. So I see no reason why you should have it any better than ol' Rex. So until your grades get better, Alpo and the Toilet are going to be your two best friends!"
Cruel? Nahhh! Effective? Oh yes indeedy doo! But I'm just getting started.
After your kid is done puking up the wretched meal that you forced him/her to eat, take your kid into the basement. If you don't have a basement, build a wooden shack, that'll work just as well. Now is when you yell at them for a bit. But don't just yell at them and tell them they're grounded. Making a kid "go to their room" is about the weakest punishment you could possibly give. My parents grounded the shit out of me when I was younger, and those were the best times of my life. Why? Cuz they sent me to the one place that I wanted to be all the time anyway: MY ROOM! I had all my stuff in there, I had my privacy too. How could that be considered punishment? If they really wanted to punish me they could have sent me to my little sister's room and forced me to listen to her soundtrack from "The Little Mermaid" over and over again. Now THAT would have taught me a lesson.
Anyway, back to the basement/shack thing. Dark places like this are already intimidating as it is to kids, combine that with your yelling and they'll be pretty damned scared. But you have to be creative with your yelling. Since telling them to go to their room won't work, you need to come up with something that will make them piss in their pants. Allow me to provide some examples of effective things you could yell at them:
"If you get anything less than an A on your next report card, I'm going to murder you. I'm not joking either, I'll literally kill you here in the basement/shack. And nobody will ever find you because nobody ever comes here!"
or
"You know those goldfish that you've had for all those years? Well, while you're studying your books, the rest of us are going to have goldfish for dinner tonight. And guess what, if you don't shape up by the next report card, I'm going to kill your baby brother/sister next and it will be all your fault" (this one only works if you have another kid that's younger)
or
"You know how we got ol' Rex 'fixed' at the veterinarians the other day? If you bring home grades like that, you and ol' Rex are going to have a lot in common."
Well, you get the picture right? Just be creative and mean as hell and you will have them studying 24/7 I guarantee it. Once you're done yelling at them, tell them that the basement/shack is their new home until they improve those grades. Believe me on those cold, dark nights, your kid will be dying to come back into the main area of the house. Feel free to cackle loudly all night long to cause them further anguish.
So there you have it, now you know how to handle a kid who's not doing well in school.
But what do you do if the kid is doing really well? Should you reward the wee little bastard? Of course.... NOT.
Tell the little shit that those grades still aren't good enough for you and punish him by doing all of the above things I've already suggested. Why? Because, you really don't give a damn whether your kid gets good grades or bad ones. You're just a sick fuck who really, really
enjoys torturing the hell out of your kids.
Life is good.
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