Hot coffee in the face
 

TYPING ALL IN CAPS TO INDICATE YELLING!
 

YELLING!
 

UNWARRANTED USE OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!
 

Grabby Monkeys
 

Gropey Monkeys
 

People who jump out at you in Haunted House attractions
 

People who jump out at you at all
 

Actually haunted houses
 

Dave
 

Completely made up words like 'Cinnabon'
 

Punch in the face
 

Punch in the face causing temporary blindness
 

Punch in the face causing permanent blindness
 

Blindness
 

People who think doing a passing imitation of a funny catch phrase is the same as being funny
 

Dead rat on a rope traveling at forty-five mph in the face
 

Fear of late night monsters in the toilet continuing out of toddler years and straight through to adulthood
 

Finally getting to see a show you really wanted to see for the second time and it's a rerun of the one episode you already saw
 

Unidentified pinching sensations below the belt while swimming
 

That dream where Lucy Lawless made this whole big deal over my inadequacy in the sex department
 

That dream where Katherine MacPhee made this whole big deal over my inadequacy in the sex department
 

That dream where Ernest Borgnine made this whole big deal over my inadequacy in the sex department
 

WHALE MUSIC, WHALE MUSIC, WHALE MUSIC!
 

Star Trek Voyager
 

Kate Mulgrew
 

Kate Mulgrew on Star Trek Voyager
 

Jumpy Bean Dave and his all Pre-op Samba Orchestra
 

Bad touchies
 

Owies
 

Uncle Dave who I am pretty sure was not my uncle
 

All those guys Dad did time with
 

"Mexican" Dave Saunders who was not Mexican at all but was hiding in our garage that one time and jumped out at me
 

People quoting Monty Python until I couldn't even like Monty Python anymore
 

The dark
 

Barbara Streisand
 

Meat cutters with an evil glint in their eyes and forearms like horse legs roped with muscle and covered in hair and tattooed all over with images of Barbara Streisand
 

That stone ass Mo-Fo Dave
 

Pants fulla Monkeys
 

Elephantiasis
 

When a mosquito gets into your house and flies near your ear when you're trying to sleep and you can't catch it, and every time you think you've driven it away it comes back and wakes you up again until around 4:32 AM you bust into a neighbors house, kill their sleeping dogs and set fire to the place to cover your tracks.
 

My neighbor Dave and his God Damn dogs
 

Tiny, angry, microscopic Monkeys in your bloodstream on nanotech motorcycles
 

God Damn ghost of Mary baker Eddy with her constant need to play Canasta
 

Leprechauns
 

Leprechauns
 

Leprechauns
 

Leprechauns
 

Jew Leprechauns
 

When you're necking with a girl and suddenly you see in the mirror you're necking with a corpse because she's a ghost and then you realize you're just remembering that time you watched "The Shining"
 

Genocide
 

Cancer
 

Poverty
 

Wintergreen gum
 

DaaaaAAAAAAAAAVE!
 

Weiner in a mouse trap
 

Dogs in Iron Lungs a-takin' our jobs and a-stealin' our womens
 

People who jump out at you in libraries
 

Eye worms
 

Shenanigans
 

Jiggery-pokery
 

Malarkey
 

Flim-Flam
 

Chumbawamba
 

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
 

Open casket funerals of people who died from being partially dissolved by industrial solvents
 

Hassles
 

Snake oil salesman that promise you the moon but leave you high and dry holding the bag
 

When your doorbell rings and you open the door and there's nobody there and you look down and there's a paper bag on your doorstep and Jesus, it's on fire, so you stamp on it without even thinking and the god damn bag turns out to be full of memories of a girl you knew in high school who you never asked out even though on certain summer nights you can still smell her hair
 

Dragon Tails, Dragon Tails, it's almost time for Dragon tails
 

The bottom line
 

At the end of the day
 

When push comes to shove
 

Shut up Dave, just shut up, can't you GOD DAMN SHUT UP!?
 

That Seven Eleven Microwave Burrito at 2:00 in the morning in 1987
 

Hitler
 

Hi-lighters
 

The strongly held belief in my own exceptionality which I know is wrong
 

Reflux
 

Haters
 

Belt Sander in the face
 

People who jump out at you in elevators and the next thing you know you're waking up in a bathtub full of ice cubes minus a kidney
 

Hong Kong Phooey impersonators with the 'friendly' hands
 

Grab ass meter maids all hopped up on electric fun juice and stay awake pills
 

Wrecking ball in the face
 

Prejudice
 

Intolerance
 

Bigotry
 

Mexicans
 

Flammable pajamas
 

Really flammable pajamas
 

Extra flammable pajamas with hair trigger Zippo lighter accents
 

That time in high school
 

That time in high school musical
 

People that jump out at you during high school musical in the face
 

Cotton eye Joe
 

Everybody
 

Everything
 

All the time
 

Did I mention Dave?