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Los Angeles. Wow... no really... WOW. I moved here in May and
it's easy to see how people find the place to be so overwhelming.
It seems to span as far as the eye can see with no apparent end.
You talk with people who've lived here for their entire lives
and they've barely even seen all there is to see within a 10
mile radius let alone the rest of the city. It's just that big.
Being from the
East coast, there's clearly a lot of new things for me to see in
this gargantuan land of bars, cars, and stars... that's to be expected.
So here's a list of just some things I've noticed so far about
Los Angeles.
Donut Shops:
Considering this town is known for being absolutely insane about
eating healthy and staying fit, it's amazing how many donut
shops there are. It's not even chains like Dunkin' Donuts or
Krispy Kreme... all too often it's some little independent donut
shop. What's more, they all have awesome names such as "Faster
Donuts," "Big Mama's Donuts," "Super Donut House," "King Donut,"
"Happy Donuts," "Johnny O Donuts," "Hola Donut," "Sexy Donut,"
and of course "Yum Yum Donuts". And that's just the tip of the
iceberg, believe me. If you ask me, all of these donut shops are
owned by the liposuction doctors. They're guaranteeing
themselves repeat customers!
Hummers:
I knew the whole Hummer thing got started out here thanks to one
Ahnuld Schwarzenegger, but GODDAMN! I had no idea just how
popular they were out here, and considering the gas prices, it
only makes it all the more absurd. Granted, it seems like half
the people in this city have more money than they know what to
do with, but come on. They could at least get something a little
less douchebagish than a Hummer for chrissakes, especially since
90% of the ones I've seen are that hideous school bus yellow
color. What's worse
though is the amount of stretched Hummers I've seen in this
city. Just the other day, at a very large open intersection, we
saw this huge stretched hummer try to turn onto another road,
but because it was so long, it couldn't make the turn without
stopping, going in reverse and then straightening itself out
some more. What was great is that EVERYBODY was furiously blasting their
horns at the Hummer and shouting. Watching 20-30 cars all
angrily honking at one big stupid Hummer stuck in the middle of
an intersection is a moment in my life
that I will always cherish. And speaking of honking...
Tunnel
Honkers: Can somebody explain this to me? For some
reason, whenever I've been driving in tunnels, I've noticed that
the people of Los Angeles like to playfully honk their horns at
one another. This only happens in tunnels for some reason.
You'll just be sitting there in your car and all of a sudden one
person will honk their horn and start laughing, which starts a
chain reaction of people honking their horns. Sometimes they
even mimic each other's honking rhythms. If only everybody's
horn was at a different pitch, we inhabitants of Los Angeles
could perform some rockin' car horn tunes any time we enter a
tunnel.
Waiters and
Waitresses With Catchphrases: This has to be one of my
favorite amusements so far. All of the waiters and waitresses,
er, pardon me... "actors and actresses who are doing
character studies of waiters and waitresses" seem to have
their own special little catchphrase. How do you spot their
catchphrases? Simple. Anytime you order something or ask them a
question, they will end their response with the same word each
time. My favorite one so far has to be "Perfect". This waitress
asked me what I wanted to drink: "Eh, I'll just have a
water for now." and what does she respond with? "Perfect!"
Wow! I didn't know that ordering a glass of water, something
that's free mind you, was considered such an accomplishment here
in L.A.! Seriously, if you want to feel good about yourself,
just go to a restaurant here and you'll quickly discover that
everything you say and do is... well... perfect. I'm sure
some of these waiters & waitresses have blown a fuse after
working at their restaurants for far too long and now can only
respond with their catchphrases.
"Pardon me,
miss? Yeah, this meal isn't what I ordered."
"Perfect!"
"No, it's not perfect, if it was I would be eating it
instead of talking to you."
"Perfect!"
"Hello? Are you ok?"
"Perfect!"
Other catchphrases
I've heard so far are "Thanks bro!", "Excellent!",
and of course the ever-popular "Fabulous!" I'm
tempted to get a job as a waiter just so I can come up with my
own catchphrase to use whenever anybody orders. Only my
catchphrase wouldn't really make the patrons feel good about
themselves, it would simply be used to confuse the hell of of
them:
"Yes, I think I'll go with the cheese pizza please."
"Scabby nutsack, sir! Scabby nutsack!"
Apartments
Sans Refrigerators: For whatever reason, it appears that
75% of the apartments in Los Angeles don't come with
refrigerators. Yep, refrigerators are considered luxury
items. Apparently people here don't eat at home. And why should
they with all those donut shops, right? So yeah, unless you're
lucky, chances are you'll have to buy a new fridge for any
apartment you rent. Word on the street is that the city is
pushing to make toilets a luxury item next. But don't worry,
I've been shitting on the carpet for weeks. They won't catch me
off-guard!
Colonics
Colonics Colonics: Who would've thought that the path to
a cleaner, healthier lifestyle was up the ol' poop chute? Well,
at least that's what the ads in the L.A. Weekly paper want you
to believe. Personally, I think I'll just try to not gorge on
too many fattening foods, exercise regularly and leave the rest
up to nature. You're not living your life the way you should be
if you're voluntarily going into an office to have somebody
flush out your bowels each month with a jetstream of water. What
amazes me even more is how lightly people treat this "colon
hydrotherapy" stuff. Friends actually scheduling appointments to
go get colonics together? Ok, listen up and listen up good
people: Feces do not equal fun. If you wanna go have fun
with some friends, go to a movie, the beach or on a
roller-coaster together. If you're so desperate for having fun
together that you've decided to have your intestines filled with
water, I suggest you find some new friends to spend your time
with.
Mysterious
Signs: You know how you'll be driving down a road and
you'll see a handmade sign on colorful cardboard paper that has
an arrow on it and reads, "Yard Sale" or something like that?
Well in Los Angeles, there is a bizarre phenomenon I've been
noticing since I moved here. For no apparent reason whatsoever
there will be handmade signs in random places that make no sense
at all. Just yesterday I saw a sign that read "Hammer" with an
arrow pointing down the road. I drove down the road and saw
nothing involving a hammer, hammers or even M.C. Hammer.
Furthermore, there were no more signs about "hammer" to be seen
anywhere. Other signs with arrows pointing down the road that
I've seen said things such as "Porcupine," "Beat" and more.
Perhaps it's all the work of a street artist. Perhaps it's all a
joke. Perhaps it's something completely different. Whatever the
case may be, I now always look forward to seeing the next random
sign when driving around L.A.
(update:
some people wrote in to let me know that the signs are actually
notices for filming locations. apparently actors and crew
members can't use Mapquest, so they need cryptic hand-written
signs to help guide them along)
Well, I'm sure
I'll be seeing plenty more interesting oddities such as these here in
Los Angeles in the coming months. When I do, I'll be sure to
report back to you with my latest discoveries. For now, I'm off
to go find out where the handmade sign on the road that reads "Chum"
leads me to. Maybe it's a shark-bait convention.
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