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I wear black combat boots. Most of my friends also wear either combat boots or Doc Martens, so my knowledge of the shoe industry is somewhat behind the average consumer. That said, imagine my surprise when I was over at a friend's house last week and I noticed his new shoes. I thought he'd been abducted by aliens and returned to earth with new experimental torture footwear.
Upon his feet he had a pair of neon "things" with bright orange stripes, plastic webbing, liquid gel pockets, bouncy springs, and big "N" patches that appeared to be ironed on to the side. "What the fuck is this?" I thought. "Is there a shoe under all that shit somewhere!?" I had truly never seen anything like this.
I asked him what the hell he had done to his feet, and whether or not it had been painful. He responded by telling me that after much searching, this was the TAMEST pair of tennis shoes he could find! A week later I still have the bright and painful image of those monstrosities burned into my retina.
Intrigued by his futuristic footwear, I decided to do a little bit of research and take a look at the Nike website. Just to see how bad things really are. I was appalled at the lack of anything even remotely resembling a fucking "shoe" as I remember them. It's as if they built a time machine, traveled one hundred years in the future, robbed a shoe store, and brought back all of the stock to sell to us hapless 21st century consumers. In fact, I'm almost certain that's what they've done. That's the only logical explanation I can come up with for the ridiculous shit that people are putting on their feet these days.
Why would someone wear something on their foot that looks like a goddamned UFO? There are flying saucers and rockets from 1950's bad sci-fi movies that look more respectable than these shoes do. You know, it occurs to me, that perhaps these shoes have been planted here by aliens from some far away world, to be used as homing beacons for their UFOs (which are shaped exactly like the shoes, of course) so that they can more easily track down the biggest idiots on the planet for their anal probing experiments. That makes sense, and it certainly is nice to believe that these morons are getting what's coming to them in terms of anal violation for having such atrociously bad taste in the first place. That just gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling. Or maybe it's just that burrito I had for lunch...
 
Shoes
or UFO's? You make the call!
Somebody else I know described the new tennis shoes as being "insectoid" in nature, and I can certainly see that too. Often times it looks like these people are walking around with a turtle carapace strapped to their foot, or perhaps that they're stomping around on bug chitin. For all we know these shoes are made of exotic insect parts. In fact, someday they might even just hollow out the body of a giant beetle and you can just slide your foot right inside! And they can use electrical shocks to work his legs so he can do all the walking FOR you! Imagine how that will improve your "game" when you have all of his little legs working for you as well!
The bottom line is that it doesn't matter WHAT these shoes really are, or where they came from. THEY MUST BE DESTROYED. I want to see shoe store fires starting across the nation immediately. I want to see people beaten up and having their shoes taken and ripped apart right in front of their face. I want to see these people kidnapped by aliens for their foolish choice in footwear. But most of all, I just want to stop having images of these hideous shoes etched into my retina every time I happen to look down toward the ground.
The
Truth Is Out There.
note:
Protoclown remembers the good ol' days when the wildest thing you would find on a shoe was Velcro straps.
note:
After conducting further research, it turns out these shoes are made from the body parts of the child labor slaves that are too exhausted to make more shoes for Nike.
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