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Someone's in the bathroom. Someone keeps looking at the clock.
You are thinking that the plants need watering. And everyone
else is obviously is bored off their minds. So, you finally
build up enough anger inside of you and blurt out, "Fuck it,
lets get a movie." Your buddies pat you on the back with sighs
of relief because they were just waiting for someone to say that
phrase. So, you all pile into a small car knowing full well
there's no law-abiding way that you can all possibly fit into
it. Still, you manage. If you are lucky, you have a friend who
works at a video store and can get you your movies for free,
otherwise, you have to scrounge up enough pocket change from you and
your friends. So you finally get to the video store, lets call
it "First Video" for the heck of it. You walk up to First Video,
noticing how one of the letters in the neon sign is flickering
on and off. (This sign flickering is typical of any generic
video store.) You walk inside and you think to yourself, "Ahhhh,
life." Thousands of movies are now at your disposal (or
hundreds, depending on how generic the video store is).
First thing is first, EVERYONE goes their separate ways browsing the
whole store looking for something that they can keep in the back
of their heads to recommend viewing. Then someone finally says,
"So what kind of movie do you guys wanna see?" Of course,
everyone wants to see a different kind of movie. Or one pain in
the ass will say something like, "Oh, I guess I'll watch
anything that has horror, comedy, or action, or drama in it."
That's the equivalent of walking down the cereal isle in the
grocery store as a kid, and when your mom asks you what kind of
cereal you want you tell her, "Something with marshmallow's and
free surprises inside of it mommy," which of course describes
about 90% of the "nutritional breakfasts" that cereal companies
have to offer us. Anyway, back to the video store stuff. There's
always someone with a really weird video taste or always likes
seeing movies he/she has already seen. (I'm proud to say, quite
often this is me.) Someone will also probably recommend one of
those damned japanimation movies like "Akira" or something. Now,
I have no real problem with these movies, and the work and
talent it takes to make one is amazing. Still, after about 10
minutes of these things, I start to feel extremely bored like
I'm watching a 2-hour version of Speed Racer™. I mean, who the hell
wants to see the same animation for that long. I hated Akira with all the
damned shouts of "Aieeeee!!" every two seconds. Eugh! Anyway, most of the other
people in your group will agree with you when you turn down the japanimation suggestion.
There's always a pain in the ass who wants
to watch a movie that was on t.v. just the other night, so you
all wind up yelling at him/her for not watching it then. Then
there is another person who loves watching just downright stupid
movies. I'm not talking about the good stupid movies like "Evil
Dead" or something. I'm talking about the movies like "Slumber
Party Massacre" or "The Nail gun Massacre" (Again, I'm proud to say that
this is often me). There's also someone
who doesn't even help out the group by searching for a decent
movie, and instead is watching the movie that's being showed on t.v.
in the store. Then there are the REAL losers that are
unfortunately with you OR they are in the store while you are
there. These are the underaged morons that hangout near the
"Adult Door" the whole time you are there trying to act like
they are looking for some other non-pornographic type movie as
they peruse the box of a Voltron™ cartoon. In actuality, they
are just waiting for someone who is old enough to go inside the
adult room so they can get a "quick peek" at what is inside of
the room. Of course, there is always the video store run by
morons who will either let anyone, regardless of their age,
enter the porno room or the door is always cracked open to tease
the various perverted minds of the children in the store. I'm
not saying that these are the only people interested in these
movies, quite often I've been with friends who wanted to rent these damned
things. Oh well, to each his/her own (even if they are perverted
bastards). There's also someone who is on a "Actor-Craze" as of
lately. This means the person is renting any movie that has this
certain actor in it. It's happened to me many times. As of
lately I have been on a Christopher Walken craze because I don't
think anyone can act as well as he can nor as evil. The funny
thing is, it doesn't matter how shitty the movie really is
because you have already convinced yourself that it is the best
thing since Elmer's glue (not to mention you don't care how bad
it sucks because you are just THAT BORED).
Chances are there is a thief (if not a bunch of thieves) in your
group who is determined on stealing anything from the store just for the
sake of saying he/she stole something. It's quite amusing
watching people stuff the box to a movie down their pants or
swipe a kit-kat from the front desk isn't it? You see, there are
many various personalities one can come in contact with at a
video store. Everyone has their own preferences for movies. So
it all really boils down to one or more of the following to
decide on a movie:
1) Who has the money (if you don't get movies
for free),
2) Who is willing to wait the longest and be stubborn
enough so that he/she can rent the movie of their choice.
3) The
fact that the video store is about to close.
Well, since you have already been in the video store for more than
a half-hour, you are getting quite irritated along with the rest of your
friends. I'm envious of ANYONE who can make it in and out of a
video store in less than a half-hour because I can't ever make
up my fucking mind. Now you are near the breakpoint, and this is
where I need to introduce you to the new and increasingly
popular sport entitled "The Poster Beatdown™". That's right, it
is played just like the name says. You see, unless you are in
the shithole of all video stores, there is almost always a vat of posters
labeled "Free Posters". They should be rolled up fairly tight
and stapled. If they are not, you should ask one of the clerks
that works oh so hard all day long for a stapler so you can
prepare the posters for battle yourself. Now if you are really
daring and don't care about losing your membership and getting
arrested, you can play this game inside the store. Otherwise, I
recommend taking it outside. As one of the founding fathers of
this sport, I need to tell you, if you have long annoying hair,
tie it back or wear a hat while you are playing this or you will
experience PAIN. Now you and whoever else is so bored need to go
outside with a set of two prepared posters each. It is
preferable that each of you have two posters, but the game still
works if each of you only has one. From here on out, you make up
your own rules. In my experiences with "The Poster Beatdown™" I
have noticed that facial hits seem to be the best. I do warn
you, however, these hits can indeed be quite painful. Still, it
is worth the pain because you feel relieved of all stress and
anger (at least temporarily) and it feels great. There's really
nothing you can't do in this game. If you get the posters ripped
up or knocked out of your hands, tackle the guy. Trust me, it
works, cuz that's what happened to me and I got tackled. Plus,
besides the glory of taking your anger out on a close friend,
you get to witness the reactions of all the people driving by
thinking you and your opponent are insane as they prepare to
call the cops on their cancer-infested cellular phones. I want
to try having a GROUP of people join in this game in sort of a
"every man for himself" type situation. So there you have "The
Poster Beatdown™" game.
Now, you and your friend return to the video store both red-faced
and covered with bleeding lacerations all over your bodies and you are
feeling great. Now EVERYONE has joined that one guy who was
watching the movie on t.v. because they couldn't agree on
anything. So finally you get pissed and go look for something
yourself and wind up renting something like "The Goonies" or
"Big Trouble In Little China" or "Spies Like Us" or one of the
best movies ever such as "Cabin Boy" which has a thick plot and
superb acting. Basically, something everyone has seen, but they
can agree to watch again. So you finally pay the money and
travel back to the home of the person who has the most
food/drinks and a vcr. You settle down and watch the movie(s)
and your night is set. Of course, it does suck that this is what
happens almost every night, but at least it kills time. So join
the ranks of the millions who watch movies every night because
life sucks and there's nothing else to do. Sure it's lazy, sure
it's systematic to do it that often, but who cares? Would you
rather be outside jogging and thinking about how good that cracklin'
oat bran is going to taste in the morning? NO. Would
you rather be sleeping at 8pm and wind up waking up real early
in the morning, hence, making your next wretched day even
longer? NO. Would you rather be sitting around all damned night
long with your friends saying, "Man, what do you guys wanna do?"
over and over again just like you have done in the past? NO. So
sit down on your fat lazy ass and enjoy some good boredom-curing
and pathetically pointless movies that you and your friends
worked hard to settle for while you were at "First Video". If
people call you a lazy bastard, simply laugh and respond with
the following statement: "Look, I got off my ass and went all
the way to the video store. I got plenty of exercise thanks to
the art of "The Poster Beatdown™" and I came all the way back
home. Now that sounds like an active person to me! Shut up and
enjoy the movie."
REMEMBER! Practice
Poster-Beatdown™ Safety!
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