Apparently I fancy myself a writer now

[ZeldaQueen]

Originally Posted by Kitsa

The problem with florid and overblown is this.

Exactly. Just say what you need to say.

If you have more to add in later, you can pull an Orson Scott Card and make multiple versions of the book ala Ender's Game.

[Tadao]

Practice here.

http://www.i-mockery.com/forum/showt...php?t=69698895

Keep it short, leave it loose.

[Tadao]

Originally Posted by Tadao

Practice here.

http://www.i-mockery.com/forum/showt...php?t=69698895

Keep it short, leave it loose.

Nevermind, the idiot in the next quote just ruined the whole thing again because she can't write for shit.

Originally Posted by ZeldaQueen

"Like hell I am!" he roared. "Why should I talk to any of you?" He turned to the man to his left. "You're Arnold Schwartzenager. And you," he said to the child on his right "are the weird kid from The Omen." He got a better look at the others. "OH MY GOD!" he screamed, realizing that they were all leading politicians from the past nine years. Sarah Palin turned to him.

When people want to be a part of something and have no talent they try to hard to be funny. Trying to hard is part of what you are going through. The exercise I stated before is set up to train you to not try and let the story flow.

What is the most important part of writing? The story.

Really is a shame though, it would have been a perfect exercise for you. Writing a paragraph every once in a while in which you have to consider the previus people and the future writers. But if you write in there it would only be trash.

[Zomboid]

STOP TRYING TO HELP

[Tadao]

Here is what I mean by weak pillar. Let's just look at 1 paragraph.

It was night, with a full moon dominating the sky, twinkling stars speckled here and there. Lou was in a forest, lush and filled with trees of a beautiful, wild green, scattered throughout the forest floor, the leaves rustling as he moved and the moonlight shining upon his face. He was running through the forest, wearing nothing, moving on his hands and legs like an animal, running in between the trees to and fro, a powerful scent driving him on . Primal, animalistic thoughts ran through his head, thoughts egging him onward, urging him to run. Suddenly, he heard a rustling sound in the distance. He leapt into a patch of bushes to hide, slowly cocking his head out of the bushes to better view his prey. He saw a buck wander out into view, wandering around for some food one would suppose. Hunger tore at Lou’s stomach as he waited, hoping that he could sate it. As the deer drew nearer, he pounced up in the air, every part of his mind eagerly awaiting the feast that would come, every muscle of his body tensed for the kill, ready to slash and bite into it’s flesh and… He woke up.

Now let's break it down to it's basic.

Lou was in the forest under a full moon, running on all 4s lead by the scent of prey. The buck ahead of him never sensed his approach. He leaps into attack undetected, but he wakes up in the middle of it.

That is the pillar you have to work with and it can't handle the weight of descriptive writing. You don't need to make it a big paragraph. I have read many-o two lined paragraphs and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Every one is going to assume the stars are out if it's a full moon. Or maybe they see the full moon under a cloudy sky. Maybe that's what they want to see, why not give them the chance to see the sky they want to see. Does it matter so much if it is full of stars or not? Do the stars form a pattern that is important later in the story and will blow peoples mind because you are being witty? No, you are trying to force the stars on the reader. It will tire the reader from the get go to have to try to imagine exactly what you are telling them and they will automatically not want to read 200 pages more of it. Sure, if it was a poem they would know it will be over shortly and they will finish it.

We are talking about the opening sentence here and all that is important is the full moon! This is why I feel editing it will not work at all and a rewrite is in order.

[90's Child]

Well, actually the main goal of my editing is to do exactly what you said and toss out the annoyingly flowery prose while replacing it with terse but still descriptive prose. I also do agree with your point about the first paragraph, and I will do a complete overhaul to make it say more with less like you say I should. However, I ahve a problem with editing my transformation
sequence(s) (When I edited my first post to place a revised version of Chapter 1 in there, I added a new sequence where he transforms partway to replace an unnecessary exposition paragraph. What do you think of it?)). You see, I kinda think that it needs that detail to help the reader understand how horrible the experience is for the character (Under the rule to show, don't tell) and to get that "American Werewolf in London/body-horror" feel to the transformations. Am I erroneous in my judgement?

Also, I have a dream sequence cooking up for Chapter 4, and I was wondering if you could check and see if it's any better at being less annoyingly flowery. Here it is:

He was at the edge of the forest, the same as he had seen in his dreams for many months now. But something was different. It seemed a little bit brighter, a little bit larger, a little bit warmer, and a little windier. And he too had changed. For his form was not human, but that of a wolf, gigantic and towering, with no human features to speak of. He heard a strange call, a powerful call, the kind of call that goes all the way into the deepest recesses of your mind, the parts that have existed long before the dawn of man. He followed it, through the bushes, through the trees, through the rivers and over the rocks until he found its source. As he stepped into the clearing, he saw something amazing. It was a wolf, a gigantic one at that, about the size of a tractor trailer, with a body whose sinews were like steel. Its fur was dappled in grey and black and silver and gold, and it’s eyes fierce and knowing, the only flaw on the magnificent beast’s composition being a large sliver knife embedded in his left flank. And it was howling at him. As the moonlight flowed over them both, it turned its head to him, and motioned it over to a path that appeared out of nowhere, a path that ran up and towards the moon hanging brightly in the sky. The wolf suddenly bolted into a run towards the path, and somehow Lou knew that he wanted him to follow. He ran towards the path, legs gracefully striding as though he were flying, eyes locked onto the wolf ahead. The wolf was far ahead, but he kept striding forward and slowly he began to catch up with the beautiful creature. As he dashed forward, hearing the wolf’s head, it gave him a look, a look that said “Good job kid, but it’s not over yet”. As they ran together, the moon in front of them grew greater and greater in size as they neared it. As the moon hung right in front of them, oh so very close to their touch, there stood an immense cliff. They ran toward it just the same, paws padding along the ground faster and faster, they jumped and…

What do you think of it?

[Tadao]

I think the point I'm trying to hit on is, less redundancy. There is nothing wrong with descriptive writing, but it is very hard for the writer to know when the reader gets the point already. This one isn't so bad at all if you keep in mind Kitsas TLDR rule. Don't be afraid of shorter paragraphs. It helps people digest the words.

He was at the edge of the forest, the same as he had seen in his dreams for many months now. But something was different. It seemed a little bit brighter, a little bit larger, a little bit warmer, and a little windier. And he too had changed. For his form was not human, but that of a wolf, gigantic and towering, with no human features to speak of.

He heard a strange call, a powerful call, the kind of call that goes all the way into the deepest recesses of your mind, the parts that have existed long before the dawn of man. He followed it, through the bushes, through the trees, through the rivers and over the rocks until he found its source. As he stepped into the clearing, he saw something amazing. It was a wolf, a gigantic one at that, about the size of a tractor trailer, with a body whose sinews were like steel. Its fur was dappled in grey and black and silver and gold, and it’s eyes fierce and knowing, the only flaw on the magnificent beast’s composition being a large sliver knife embedded in his left flank. And it was howling at him.

As the moonlight flowed over them both, it turned its head to him, and motioned it over to a path that appeared out of nowhere, a path that ran up and towards the moon hanging brightly in the sky.

The wolf suddenly bolted into a run towards the path, and somehow Lou knew that he wanted him to follow. He ran towards the path, legs gracefully striding as though he were flying, eyes locked onto the wolf ahead. The wolf was far ahead, but he kept striding forward and slowly he began to catch up with the beautiful creature. As he dashed forward, hearing the wolf’s head, it gave him a look, a look that said “Good job kid, but it’s not over yet”. As they ran together, the moon in front of them grew greater and greater in size as they neared it.

As the moon hung right in front of them, oh so very close to their touch, there stood an immense cliff. They ran toward it just the same, paws padding along the ground faster and faster, they jumped and…

[90's Child]

Originally Posted by Tadao

I think the point I'm trying to hit on is, less redundancy. There is nothing wrong with descriptive writing, but it is very hard for the writer to know when the reader gets the point already. This one isn't so bad at all if you keep in mind Kitsas TLDR rule. Don't be afraid of shorter paragraphs. It helps people digest the words.

He was at the edge of the forest, the same as he had seen in his dreams for many months now. But something was different. It seemed a little bit brighter, a little bit larger, a little bit warmer, and a little windier. And he too had changed. For his form was not human, but that of a wolf, gigantic and towering, with no human features to speak of.

He heard a strange call, a powerful call, the kind of call that goes all the way into the deepest recesses of your mind, the parts that have existed long before the dawn of man. He followed it, through the bushes, through the trees, through the rivers and over the rocks until he found its source. As he stepped into the clearing, he saw something amazing. It was a wolf, a gigantic one at that, about the size of a tractor trailer, with a body whose sinews were like steel. Its fur was dappled in grey and black and silver and gold, and it’s eyes fierce and knowing, the only flaw on the magnificent beast’s composition being a large sliver knife embedded in his left flank. And it was howling at him.

As the moonlight flowed over them both, it turned its head to him, and motioned it over to a path that appeared out of nowhere, a path that ran up and towards the moon hanging brightly in the sky.

The wolf suddenly bolted into a run towards the path, and somehow Lou knew that he wanted him to follow. He ran towards the path, legs gracefully striding as though he were flying, eyes locked onto the wolf ahead. The wolf was far ahead, but he kept striding forward and slowly he began to catch up with the beautiful creature. As he dashed forward, hearing the wolf’s head, it gave him a look, a look that said “Good job kid, but it’s not over yet”. As they ran together, the moon in front of them grew greater and greater in size as they neared it.

As the moon hung right in front of them, oh so very close to their touch, there stood an immense cliff. They ran toward it just the same, paws padding along the ground faster and faster, they jumped and…

Thanks. By the way, have you ever considered trying to become an editor or a creative writing teacher. Because, I must say, you certainly have the skills at constructive criticism to do so.

And also, I just re-wrote that first dream sequence, and I just wanted to show it to you. Here it is:

It was a beautiful night in the forest, trees towering towards the sky and a full moon hanging in the air. The boy was wearing nothing, running on hands and feet, eyes aglow with the call of the hunt, following a scent on the wind. He heard the rustle of leaves and hid as a deer stepped into the clearing. His body tensed, every muscle prepared to slash into the deer’s hide and taste of its sweet, sweet flesh. He jumped up, lunged and…

He woke up.

So, what do ya think?

Also, what's your opinion on the transformation sequences? Are they any good, or too redundant?

[kahljorn]

maybe yo u should try i dont know reading a book or two that doesn't suck before you start trying to write.

JUST A SUGGESTION.

[Kitsa]

Originally Posted by kahljorn

maybe yo u should try i dont know reading a book or two that doesn't suck before you start trying to write.

JUST A SUGGESTION.

Kahl has an excellent point. Reading well-written books gives you an innate feel for what "sounds right" and what doesn't.

[kahljorn]

DO WOLVES WITH KNIVES IN THEIR FLANKS RUN REALLY FAST?

CANT YOU LIKE DRAW US INTO HIS FEELINGS AND WHATS GOING ON? WHAT THE HELLS GOING ON?

BASICALLY WHAT IM READING IS THIS:
THE GUYS A WOLF AND WOLVES SEE FORESTS AS WARM AND WIDE.
HE HEARD A "CALL" THAT DOES THINGS TO HIM
HE FOLLOWS IT AND FINDS WOLF-THAT-RUNS-WITH-KNIVES-IN-LEG (HIS NATIVE AMERICAN NAME I ASSUME)
HE FOLLOWED THE WOLF WHO MAKES EXPRESSIONS AND THE FIRST WOLF UNDERSTANDS HIM AS THOUGH HE WERE SOME GUYS FATHER.

IN SOME OTHER PART OF THE BOOK THERES A DREAM THAT HE WAKES UP FROM.

ARE THOSE THE MESSAGES YOU WANT TO BE SENDING TO PEOPLE?

HOPEFULLY IM NOT CONTRADICTING TADAO AND MAKING THIS CONFUSING FOR YOU.

[Zomboid]

GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!

[Tadao]

Originally Posted by 90's Child

Thanks. By the way, have you ever considered trying to become an editor or a creative writing teacher. Because, I must say, you certainly have the skills at constructive criticism to do so.

And also, I just re-wrote that first dream sequence, and I just wanted to show it to you. Here it is:


So, what do ya think?

Also, what's your opinion on the transformation sequences? Are they any good, or too redundant?

I hate people too much to sit in a room with them for too long.

The re-write is good, You have room to flesh it out a little more if you wanted but as far as openig go, the hardest part is for a read to open at page one and get orientated. I would keep it as it is. That is the first paragraph in the first chapter right? Once the story starts rolling is when you can start rambling more.

Paste the transformation paragraph for me, I didn't read most of it because it hurt too much

[Kitsa]

I think another place where you might be going wrong is that you're taking yourself wayyyyyy too seriously.

[Kitsa]

http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blo...s-people-skill

If that doesn't help, I don't know what more I can do :/

[Tadao]

SCAM! IT'S THE COPPERS!

[Tadao]

I expected a very descriptive burning of human flesh.

[Sacks]

I think you should stop using the term 'purple prose'.

[Pub Lover]

Purple prose of the languid penis.

[Tadao]

I think there is nothing more I can do for you. Yeah I can criticize your writing forever, but that won't accomplish anything. Just have fun and practice short stories. I've only improved by writing, not by asking.

[kahljorn]

FOR ROMANCE NOVEL MATERIAL THIS IS MEDIOCRE ENOUGH TO PASS .
MAYBE

YOU NEED MORE WEREWOLF RAPE/SEDUCTION SCENES

[Kitsa]

Also, and this is just my personal opinion...

Starting a sentence with the word "for" is one of the most irritating and stilted practices I see popping up in this kind of writing. I cringe when I see it.

[kahljorn]

USE A SEMICOLON
SEMICOLONS CURE EVERYthing

[Zomboid]

I AM IN SCHOOL FOR WRITING AND YOUR "STYLE" OF WRITING IS WHAT WE LIKE TO CALL "SHIT."

PLEASE GIVE UP FOREVER.

[Kitsa]

I've decided that I want the degree-diplomas of all graduating journalism/writing majors to be embossed with a seal that says APPARENTLY I FANCY MYSELF A WRITER NOW.

I was totally going to make one for illustrative purposes, but the seal generator's been down for two days.