Apparently I fancy myself a writer now

[90's Child]

Originally Posted by Tadao

I hate people too much to sit in a room with them for too long.

Originally Posted by Tadao

The re-write is good, You have room to flesh it out a little more if you wanted but as far as openig go, the hardest part is for a read to open at page one and get orientated. I would keep it as it is. That is the first paragraph in the first chapter right? Once the story starts rolling is when you can start rambling more.

Paste the transformation paragraph for me, I didn't read most of it because it hurt too much

Well, there are actually two of them, and I'll post both of them for you right here.

“Oh dear lord what is wrong with me?” That is what Lou thought as he stood in front of the bathroom mirror. He felt a lurch in his stomach as it started to happen again. What “ït” was he did not know, but it was horrible, that much he knew. Everything in his body was pulsating, his body erupting in brief, intense bursts of pain. His skin was stretching, his muscles were stretching, and even his bones were stretching. He couldn’t let them see him like this, anyone, he couldn’t tell them at all. Not Cell, not Clarisse, no-one could know about what degeneration was happening to him. That is what he thought as he scrabbled into a stall to keep people from seeing him. His skin burnt as shocks of something erupted in patches and his breathing became harder and harder as his body warped. His green eyes dilated and drips and drabs of blood fell from his fingertips as something barely poked out from underneath them. How long would he be able to keep this charade of wellness up, weeks? Months? Years? And what, what in gods name would be the end result? But then, it all went away. The pulsation, the pain, the changing, everything stopped. But Lou knew it wouldn’t be for long.

A bit of explaination for this first sequence is in order. I got the idea fro mthis werewolf forum I belong to (long story), and one guy mentioned how a werewolf might change partially several times in the weeks before the full transformation at the full moon. And I thought, "Oh man, wouldn't that be incredibly horrifying if that was happening to you and you had no idea why?". So I added that concept to my story'. Whether I succeeded in doing it well is up to you.

It was horrific. Slowly, something terrible started happen to him. What had occured before was merely a prelude, a quiet introduction to a grotesque song of flesh and blood. He tried to scream, but he couldn’t. The pain was too much, all Lou could do was curl up into a little ball in a futile effort to stop this transformation, or at least quiet his body’s screams of torment, as Cell looked on in horror. All that could be heard was the sound of bones clacking and snapping against each other and the quiet sobbing of Louis. Cell could see the fur growing like a wildfire blazing out from his skin, feeling as if a wave of needles were pushing out of his body, covering everything. His skin was being stretched like as the bones extended against it to accommodate their new form while the skin tried to catch up as shudders of pain wracked through his frame. Cell could see the beginnings of claws pushing out of his fingertips, drawing out small spurts of blood as they pushed themselves out of the fingernails. Cell could see his muscles swelling against his bathrobe, making it tighter, tighter, until it gave way to the stress and ripped like a tissue to expose the thick coat of fur slowly growing on his skin. Jutting rows of sharp teeth pushed their way out of his mouth, although now it was more of a muzzle, as it slowly elongated while he was trying to scream. His ears slowly pushed, jutted out and moved up his head. The worst part of it though was the fear in Lou’s face. Cell could see that Lou was scared, having no idea what was going on and horrified at what was happening to him. He was weeping bitter tears as his body warped and twisted, futilely attempting to scream. Cell could see him vaguely mouth the words “Help me.” as the atrocious change reached it’s climax.

So Tadao, how exactly might I make those sequences better and more impactful for the reader?

And by the way Kitsa, how might I fix the problem of me taking myself way too seriously?

[Misdemonar]

Originally Posted by 90's Child

"Oh man, wouldn't that be incredibly furry if that was happening to you and you had no idea why?".

MORE LIKE WOULDN'T THAT BE INCREDIBLY RETARDED.

[90's Child]

Originally Posted by Kitsa

http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blo...s-people-skill

If that doesn't help, I don't know what more I can do :/

Good point. To be quite frank, I really do not consider myself a good writer, and I don't really hold my writing to that much esteem. I'm just some young idiot trying to become one, like a sad little caterpillar trying to become a butterfly. But sadly I am only a mellodramatic moth. And yet I move onward.

Originally Posted by Misdemonar

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MORE LIKE WOULDN'T THAT BE INCREDIBLY RETARDED.

Please, please, please die in fire. I mean, you are one of the most horrible gentlemen (And I use that term loosely) that I have ever met. I mean, in criticising my work Tadao at least tries to help me improve, but you, you're just a dick. And I'm not alone in my opinion. When I mentioned your criticism to ROG, he said not to listen to you because you are an asshole. And so, fly away like a pretty birdie, fly away straight into an airplane turbine!

Seriously, is it possible to ban someone for just being an asshole? Because, if so, I think that Misdemonar fits the criteria for it.

Oh and by the way, despite the fact that I like werewolves I AM NOT A FUCKING FURRY!

[Misdemonar]

OH GEE ITS THE INTERNET PAL

[Sacks]

Originally Posted by 90's Child

Please, please, please die in fire. I mean, you are one of the most horrible gentlemen (And I use that term loosely) that I have ever met. I mean, in criticising my work Tadao at least tries to help me improve, but you, you're just a dick. And I'm not alone in my opinion. When I mentioned your criticism to ROG, he said not to listen to you because you are an asshole. And so, fly away like a pretty birdie, fly away straight into an airplane turbine!

Seriously, is it possible to ban someone for just being an asshole? Because, if so, I think that Misdemonar fits the criteria for it.

So just because someone was mean to you on the internet they deserve a slow and painful death? What a fascist. We don't like fascists around here Johnathan Wojcik!

[90's Child]

Originally Posted by Sacks

So just because someone was mean to you on the internet they deserve a slow and painful death? What a fascist. We don't like fascists around here Johnathan Wojcik!

Right. I was overreacting a bit. And by a bit I mean a horribleload.

Anyway, Tadao, what did you think of the transformation sequences? God I am bad about purple prose.