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90's Child · #1

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tadao

I hate people too much to sit in a room with them for too long.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tadao

The re-write is good, You have room to flesh it out a little more if you wanted but as far as openig go, the hardest part is for a read to open at page one and get orientated. I would keep it as it is. That is the first paragraph in the first chapter right? Once the story starts rolling is when you can start rambling more.

Paste the transformation paragraph for me, I didn't read most of it because it hurt too much

Well, there are actually two of them, and I'll post both of them for you right here.

Quote:

“Oh dear lord what is wrong with me?” That is what Lou thought as he stood in front of the bathroom mirror. He felt a lurch in his stomach as it started to happen again. What “ït” was he did not know, but it was horrible, that much he knew. Everything in his body was pulsating, his body erupting in brief, intense bursts of pain. His skin was stretching, his muscles were stretching, and even his bones were stretching. He couldn’t let them see him like this, anyone, he couldn’t tell them at all. Not Cell, not Clarisse, no-one could know about what degeneration was happening to him. That is what he thought as he scrabbled into a stall to keep people from seeing him. His skin burnt as shocks of something erupted in patches and his breathing became harder and harder as his body warped. His green eyes dilated and drips and drabs of blood fell from his fingertips as something barely poked out from underneath them. How long would he be able to keep this charade of wellness up, weeks? Months? Years? And what, what in gods name would be the end result? But then, it all went away. The pulsation, the pain, the changing, everything stopped. But Lou knew it wouldn’t be for long.

A bit of explaination for this first sequence is in order. I got the idea fro mthis werewolf forum I belong to (long story), and one guy mentioned how a werewolf might change partially several times in the weeks before the full transformation at the full moon. And I thought, "Oh man, wouldn't that be incredibly horrifying if that was happening to you and you had no idea why?". So I added that concept to my story'. Whether I succeeded in doing it well is up to you.

Quote:

It was horrific. Slowly, something terrible started happen to him. What had occured before was merely a prelude, a quiet introduction to a grotesque song of flesh and blood. He tried to scream, but he couldn’t. The pain was too much, all Lou could do was curl up into a little ball in a futile effort to stop this transformation, or at least quiet his body’s screams of torment, as Cell looked on in horror. All that could be heard was the sound of bones clacking and snapping against each other and the quiet sobbing of Louis. Cell could see the fur growing like a wildfire blazing out from his skin, feeling as if a wave of needles were pushing out of his body, covering everything. His skin was being stretched like as the bones extended against it to accommodate their new form while the skin tried to catch up as shudders of pain wracked through his frame. Cell could see the beginnings of claws pushing out of his fingertips, drawing out small spurts of blood as they pushed themselves out of the fingernails. Cell could see his muscles swelling against his bathrobe, making it tighter, tighter, until it gave way to the stress and ripped like a tissue to expose the thick coat of fur slowly growing on his skin. Jutting rows of sharp teeth pushed their way out of his mouth, although now it was more of a muzzle, as it slowly elongated while he was trying to scream. His ears slowly pushed, jutted out and moved up his head. The worst part of it though was the fear in Lou’s face. Cell could see that Lou was scared, having no idea what was going on and horrified at what was happening to him. He was weeping bitter tears as his body warped and twisted, futilely attempting to scream. Cell could see him vaguely mouth the words “Help me.” as the atrocious change reached it’s climax.

So Tadao, how exactly might I make those sequences better and more impactful for the reader?

And by the way Kitsa, how might I fix the problem of me taking myself way too seriously?

Misdemonar · #2

Quote:

Originally Posted by 90's Child

"Oh man, wouldn't that be incredibly furry if that was happening to you and you had no idea why?".

MORE LIKE WOULDN'T THAT BE INCREDIBLY RETARDED.

90's Child · #3

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitsa

http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blo...s-people-skill

If that doesn't help, I don't know what more I can do :/

Good point. To be quite frank, I really do not consider myself a good writer, and I don't really hold my writing to that much esteem. I'm just some young idiot trying to become one, like a sad little caterpillar trying to become a butterfly. But sadly I am only a mellodramatic moth. And yet I move onward.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Misdemonar

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MORE LIKE WOULDN'T THAT BE INCREDIBLY RETARDED.

Please, please, please die in fire. I mean, you are one of the most horrible gentlemen (And I use that term loosely) that I have ever met. I mean, in criticising my work Tadao at least tries to help me improve, but you, you're just a dick. And I'm not alone in my opinion. When I mentioned your criticism to ROG, he said not to listen to you because you are an asshole. And so, fly away like a pretty birdie, fly away straight into an airplane turbine!

Seriously, is it possible to ban someone for just being an asshole? Because, if so, I think that Misdemonar fits the criteria for it.

Oh and by the way, despite the fact that I like werewolves I AM NOT A FUCKING FURRY!

Misdemonar · #4

OH GEE ITS THE INTERNET PAL

Sacks · #5

Quote:

Originally Posted by 90's Child

Please, please, please die in fire. I mean, you are one of the most horrible gentlemen (And I use that term loosely) that I have ever met. I mean, in criticising my work Tadao at least tries to help me improve, but you, you're just a dick. And I'm not alone in my opinion. When I mentioned your criticism to ROG, he said not to listen to you because you are an asshole. And so, fly away like a pretty birdie, fly away straight into an airplane turbine!

Seriously, is it possible to ban someone for just being an asshole? Because, if so, I think that Misdemonar fits the criteria for it.

So just because someone was mean to you on the internet they deserve a slow and painful death? What a fascist. We don't like fascists around here Johnathan Wojcik!

Tadao · #6

He fancied himself a writer. His thesaurus was well worn at the spine and he considered that to be as important as his grandmothers bible. To have the same descriptive word used in the same chapter made him feel like a dolt. He was a child of the 90's, and this being 2009, meant that he was fresh out of high school. He had learned all about comparing himself to a tree and believed Shakespeare was a genius, because that's what his teacher told him. He never really understood what made him a genius, but if he could emulate him somehow, he might learn the secret art of the written word.

But alas... ALAS! He chocked to death on his own ego.

Kitsa · #7

This feels like some sort of ugly literary darwinism in action. :/

90's Child · #8

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitsa

This feels like some sort of ugly literary darwinism in action. :/

Yes, yes it does. Regardless, they do have a point. My work does tend to be sprinkled with multiple egregious examples of prose as purple as an emperor's robe, and could be considered more like a Victorian penny-dreadful, which were the male equivalent to cheezy romance novels. I know I'll never be the next Allan Moore, but I do not want to be stuck with the label of the next Stephanie Myer. How exactly does a person clean up purple prose in their works?

Zomboid · #9

Quote:

Originally Posted by 90's Child

Yes, yes it does. Regardless, they do have a point. My work does tend to be sprinkled with multiple egregious examples of prose as purple as an emperor's robe, and could be considered more like a Victorian penny-dreadful, which were the male equivalent to cheezy romance novels. I know I'll never be the next Allan Moore, but I do not want to be stuck with the label of the next Stephanie Myer. How exactly does a person clean up purple prose in their works?

1st lesson: Stop being a pretentious little douche.

Tadao · #10

YOU GOT
SERIFED!

Tadao · #11

In all seriousness, there are many styles of witting. And yours falls into one that makes a shit ton of money, but will never win a serious award. Romance novel. Sorry, it's a heavy blow.

Zomboid · #12

Even shitty romance novels are written better than that. Plus, they usually have more than one adjective.

Tadao · #13

My suggestion is to write a short story in it's most basic form and then write it again adding a little detail, and then once more to flesh it out were needed. If you practice with short stories you'll eventually find out what the readers needs to know vrs what the reader should be left to imagine.

When people read books, they need to be drawn into the story, one way of accomplishing that is to let the reader connect with the character. If you tell the reader his hair is brown, let the reader decide if it is a feather cut or how long based on the characters nature. Only go into detail when it is absolutely important to the storyline or if it is playing on a clever pun.

Practice on short stories though. Have a decided beginning and end and try to make them meet in 500 words or less. You'll find that things you thought were important to the story are really just fluff and stuff. It's only a practice so don't beat yourself up over it. It's only going in the trash or a folder to be worked on again if you think it can go somewhere.

Dimnos · #14

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tadao

My suggestion is to write a short story in it's most basic form and then write it again adding a little detail, and then once more to flesh it out were needed. If you practice with short stories you'll eventually find out what the readers needs to know vrs what the reader should be left to imagine.

When people read books, they need to be drawn into the story, one way of accomplishing that is to let the reader connect with the character. If you tell the reader his hair is brown, let the reader decide if it is a feather cut or how long based on the characters nature. Only go into detail when it is absolutely important to the storyline or if it is playing on a clever pun.

Practice on short stories though. Have a decided beginning and end and try to make them meet in 500 words or less. You'll find that things you thought were important to the story are really just fluff and stuff. It's only a practice so don't beat yourself up over it. It's only going in the trash or a folder to be worked on again if you think it can go somewhere.

This is better advice on wrighting that I have ever heard from any teacher in my life.

Have you ever considered being a teacher Tadao? I can just picture it now....

all the lawsuits.

Tadao · #15

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dimnos

This is better advice on wrighting that I have ever heard from any teacher in my life.

Have you ever considered being a teacher Tadao? I can just picture it now....

all the lawsuits.

Everything would be an oral exam.

The Leader · #16

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tadao

Everything would be an oral exam.

Kitsa · #17

Or... screw form and modality, and just tell a story. Casually. No overblown verbiage (that was used semi-sarcastically, btw), none of the ordinary cumbersome shit that makes people lose their patience and move on. Write what "sounds" right, not what you think makes you look more sophisticated.

Also, when people (especially on forums like this) are confronted with a huge block of text, it almost automatically generates a TLDR response.

Sacks · #18

Blowjobs.

kahljorn · #19

whatever guys this is the next most popular movie and you know it.

ZeldaQueen · #20

If you're interested in improving your writing techniques, there are loads of websites for people trying to produce works of literature.

My suggestions? First and foremost, make the story your own. Don't try to copy the style of another writer or use a certain style because "oh, it's a romance/comedy/murder/etc novel, it should use this style of writing". Don't try to string it out or make it a certain length. Just get the story down. You can always go back later and flesh parts out if you feel they ought to be bigger.

My second suggestion is to make sure you know your characters and have them developed very well. If you develop your characters enough, they'll almost make their own choices in the story. Also, if you identify with them and understand them more, it will be much easier to figure out what they'll say or do. Finally, balance out your characters' personalities. Don't make everyone perfect. Don't make everyone win. No one likes a Mary Sue.

90's Child · #21

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZeldaQueen

If you're interested in improving your writing techniques, there are loads of websites for people trying to produce works of literature.

My suggestions? First and foremost, make the story your own. Don't try to copy the style of another writer or use a certain style because "oh, it's a romance/comedy/murder/etc novel, it should use this style of writing". Don't try to string it out or make it a certain length. Just get the story down. You can always go back later and flesh parts out if you feel they ought to be bigger.

My second suggestion is to make sure you know your characters and have them developed very well. If you develop your characters enough, they'll almost make their own choices in the story. Also, if you identify with them and understand them more, it will be much easier to figure out what they'll say or do. Finally, balance out your characters' personalities. Don't make everyone perfect. Don't make everyone win. No one likes a Mary Sue.

Actually, the sad part about that first one is that the overblown, florid language I use is sort of my style. The reason I do that is to try to make it very vivid to the reader, not so much to posture at being sophisticated as to try at being vivid and descriptive, but I can see it has backfired and made me look silly.

And I actually do have several character development arcs planned, specifically for the characters Lou; who grows to actually somewhat enjoy his condition, and Ben, who learns to accept his weakness and develop his true strengths. And I do have the personalities for the chracters well-defined, such as Lou being quiet and shy, Ben being very agressive and trying to overcompensate, Timothy as enjoying his condition very much and always being chipper and playful, amongst others.

But enough about that. I am goign to start editing my story now. And hooboy, it needs a lot of editing.

Tadao · #22

Quote:

Originally Posted by 90's Child

But enough about that. I am goign to start editing my story now. And hooboy, it needs a lot of editing.

I don't agree with editing it. The Jap in me wants to hit you with a bamboo cane.

YOU KNOW THE STORY! REWRITE IT! PRACTICE!

The fluff and stuff helped support the weak pillars. Tear it down and start a new foundation that is free from the virus that spread throughout the paragraphs.

90's Child · #23

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tadao

I don't agree with editing it. The Jap in me wants to hit you with a bamboo cane.

YOU KNOW THE STORY! REWRITE IT! PRACTICE!

The fluff and stuff helped support the weak pillars. Tear it down and start a new foundation that is free from the virus that spread throughout the paragraphs.

Dangit. I wish I had read that post before I started editing.

And it seems to me that it works a bit better for me to do massive, massive editing rather than rewriting it from scratch, because I seem to work much better with a framework to go upon rather than from scratch.

Well, I posted the 2nd draft of Chapter 1, so take a look and see if anything improved, and what else I need to do the chang it to make it not suck other than removing all the most unweildy and stumbling prose (which I tried to do)

And what weak pillars do you see other than craptastic prose?