on "The Beach"
heard about a strange human tradition known as "spring
break". The information I have gathered leads me to believe
that young humans travel to a location that is near a
strange surface. A surface known as "water". Apparently,
they travel to these areas to "relax", a concept that no
true leader would be familiar with. When you are the
rightful leader of the planet Houston, you do not relax...
needed to investigate one of these "beaches" to ensure that
there were no acts of Zodular disobedience taking place. So,
I went to the "beach" and found myself laughing at the
stupidity of your younger generations. They know that the
sun is harmful to their skin if they are exposed to it for
long amounts of time, yet they barely wore any clothes. They
actually had to apply lotion to their skin in a cowardly
attempt to block the deadly rays of the sun. Perhaps they
thought that they too could gain power from the sun?
Pathetic humans, I am the only one on this planet who
actually gains power from the yellow sun, as it strengthens my
to "lie down" on a "beach towel" as I saw that this was a
practice that many seemed to enjoy. I was quickly becoming
bored with this "beach fun". So bored that I actually fell
asleep for one of your human hours. When I awoke, I was
shocked to find the horrendous act of defiance that had
occurred during my slumber.
is not amused
by the antics of the defiant beach peons.
your young female fighters had buried me up to my neck in
"sand". This sandy prison they had created was obviously an
attempt to make me submit to their will. "Your sandy prison
cannot contain me, defiant earth females!" I shouted as I
flew upward out of the sand. Did they actually think this
weak trap could contain the almighty Zod?? I suppose we
will never know, because immediately after escaping my sandy
prison, I burned them alive with my eye-lasers and fed them
to one of your "sharks".
disposing of those wretched young sand devils, I was invited
by some "athletic" humans to join them in a game of "beach
volleyball". They explained to me that in order to win, you
must stop the enemy from smashing a crude white ball over
the "net". My human teammates exerted so much energy in a
desperate attempt to stop our opponents from "spiking" this
ball. It was really quite pathetic.
"DIE MORTAL OPPONENT! DIE AS YOU DESERVE TO!"
I showed my
teammates that the great General Zod did not need to exert
any energy to stop my opponents. My eye-lasers were more
than able to handle the weak "spike" attempts of the
inferior opponents. It was also very clear that these spike
attempts were an act of defiance towards me. So, I killed my
opponents. Then I killed my teammates, for I had no use for
"sport" that I took particular interest in is what you humans
call "surfing". I saw some humans standing on crudely carved
pieces of wood. They would place these carved pieces of wood
in the water and wait for a "wave" to come. The object was
to ride the wave without it crushing you, just as I crushed
the son of our jailors!
Zod - Surfin' U.S.A.
of the other human surfers were crushed underneath these
"waves", I was able to rule the waves just as I rule all the
inhabitants of planet Houston. I rode a single wave for 2 of
your human hours. I have mastered your "sports". And in
doing so, I have only demonstrated once again as to just how
inferior all of you are to your ruler, ZOD!
my day at this "beach", I decided to go for a long walk along
the shore. A human told me that long walks along the shore
were "very romantic". I killed this human for making such a
ridiculous statement. Nonetheless, I patrolled the shoreline
to make sure all was in compliance with my rule.
A rebel crab!
As I was
walking along the beach, I came upon a strange creature
known as a "fiddler crab". I picked it up in my hand and
commanded it to kneel before me and swear eternal loyalty to
Zod. Instead, this crab snapped my hand with his large claw.
An impressive display of bravery for such a small creature,
but ultimately futile.
The rebel crab burrow!
I threw the
crab to the ground, but before I could destroy it with my
powerful eye-lasers, it scurried into an underground burrow.
"So! He is a coward after all!" I proclaimed with great
satisfaction. So be it, if this fiddler wanted to cower from
the great Zod in his burrow, than I would make sure he
I flew to a
local Best Buy store. I demanded that they hand a large
television set over to me. They claimed that they had none
in stock, so I blew their building down and found more than
an ample supply of large televisions. After destroying Best
Buy, I flew this large television back to the fiddler crab's
burrow on the beach. For defiantly attacking me with its
claw, I punished the insolent fiddler crab in the worst way. I placed the large television over the
entrance to the crab's underground hideout. If it wished to
hide from the great Zod, then I was going to make sure it
stayed there for all eternity! There is no escape now,
fiddler crab! Your cowardly ways have sealed your fate
Let it be
known that I have defeated this cowardly fiddler crab. Even
with a large claw, it was unable to defeat your ruler,
General Zod. And you humans don't even have claws, so where
do you think that leaves you?
to Zod home