An evil holiday in dire need of changes.
planet Houston month of December arrives each year, you
humans have a strange "holiday" which you prefer to
"celebrate". This strange occasion is known as "Christmas".
I have yet to meet this "Christ" person that the holiday
references, but should I meet him, I guarantee that he shall
kneel before Zod! Should he not, he will pay for his
defiance with his life. Then again, most humans have
informed me that this "Christ" is nothing more than a
fabrication of your puny minds, and that the "holiday" is
all about commercialism and greed. Well at least it is an
evil holiday, so I approve of that. But the name of the
holiday must go. From now on, you shall refer to it as "Zodmas".
Anybody heard speaking the name "Christmas" shall be killed
while this "Christ" character is a farce, I have heard many
tales of a man by the name of "Santa Claus" who travels to
your homes every Christmas to bring you "presents" for being
"good little boys and girls". WHO IS HE TO JUDGE WHETHER OR
NOT YOU HAVE BEEN GOOD OR BAD??? I DEFY YOU SANTA CLAUS!
As you can
see, I heard that this "Santa Claus" was making an
appearance at a local mall. So I met him there, and ended
the matter. I must ask you humans a question however: Why do
you choose to celebrate an obese man in a hideous suit who
has the stench of cheap liquor on his breath? The odor was
so strong that even I, the great General Zod, chose to cover
my nose while ending his life. Revolting.
Claus is dead and I roasted his reindeer over an open fire
(Non ate them shortly after). From this day forth, I am your
new Santa. SANTA ZOD!
As your new
Santa, I have decided to get into the "Zodmas spirit"
by participating in some of the very same rituals that you,
my slaves, partake in each year. The first ritual is the
lighting of a "Zodmas Tree". Though the electrical light
bulbs which you string across a tree may light it up
slightly, nothing lights up a tree better than my powerful
A TREE TRULY WORTHY OF ZOD!
before me Zodmas Tree! I have never seen a tree that glowed
so brightly. Therefore, I declare my tree to be the greatest
Zodmas tree EVER. Kneel before it!
Next on the
list, I noticed that you humans appear to be obsessed with
using a product known as "ginger". I had a slave, who
claimed she was an expert on the creation of "gingerbread
houses", help me with the creation of one.
Constructing the house proved to be quite easy, but that is
to be expected when you are the ruler of all that exists. I
must say, I felt that her gingerbread house was not a worthy
tribute to me. It even had a Santa Claus picture on it.
Naturally, I killed her for her defiance. My gingerbread
house, however, was flawless. Rather than use mere "icing"
as she chose to use, I used tar. I believe the tar gives my
gingerbread house the viewer a feeling of "helplessness" and
"impending doom", both of which fit in perfectly with the
holiday season. Once again, your ruler has done it. I,
General Zod have created the greatest gingerbread house
going to stop there though. Since I had proven to be a bread
of ginger master, I decided to make what you humans call a
"gingerbread man". Now, surely none of you are worthy of the
title of "man" in my eyes, so I have created the world's
first "gingerbread slave". Behold!
Look at the
hopelessness in his eyes! The fear! This gingerbread slave
knows who his rightful leader is... ZOD! Furthermore, I'm
sure you have noticed that my gingerbread slave has no legs.
This is my merciful way of allowing the slave to live, so
that he will always be able to kneel before me. If you have
no legs, you cannot stand. If you cannot stand, you can only
kneel. If you only kneel, I shall allow you to live. Any
gingerbread slave that dares to grow legs shall receive the
ultimate punishment... CONSUMPTION!
finally, since you human slaves were so accustomed to having
the defiant Santa Claus visit you each year, I have decided
to take his place. I, Santa Zod, shall make a list. I shall
check it twice. I shall find out who has been naughty or
kneeled. Santa Zod is coming to town. For those of you who
have kneeled before me, I shall give you the gift of your
very own gingerbread slave. For those of you who haven't
been kneeling, I shall drop a 3-ton boulder on your homes
and then use the flesh of your bodies to create more
slaves, the only way I will deliver you these gingerbread
slave treats, is if you continue to dedicate your life to me
to Zod home