"Easter"
Did you really think
you could hide your
eggs from me!?
Zod
on "Easter"
With each and every passing day, I simply grow more bored and
disgusted with all of you - my slaves. Planet Houston appears
to be a breeding ground for nothing but vulgarians and the
nebbish. In addition to this, you humans have an inane need
for "celebrations" known as "holidays". One of these so-called
"holidays" is known as "Easter".
When I
first arrived on planet Houston and conquered your white
house, I saw that you were already practiced in the worship
of things that fly. This pleased me as your new ruler, for I
did and still do fly and deserve nothing less than your
unwavering devotion. However, I have recently discovered
that with this "Easter" holiday, you worship another
creature. A creature than not only can't fly, but it can't
even shoot lasers from its eyes! The creature I speak of is
known as the bunny rabbit.
What kind
of nonsense is this? Are you humans so infinitely weaker
than your surroundings that you look up to a creature such
as this? Just before killing a young school girl for defying
me, I inquired about what was so appealing about these
"bunnies". As I slowly crushed the life force out of her,
she whimpered about how these bunnies were "cute" and
"cuddly" and "fuzzy". Fools! Such senselessness cannot be
tolerated!
Other than
their white exterior, I see no difference between these
bunnies and the rodents which you call a man by the name of
"Orkin" to exterminate. While I can appreciate any being who
exterminates those that are weaker than he, I will not
tolerate this Orkin man running around freely when he should
be kneeling before Zod! Thus, I will kill him for his
defiance in the immediate future.
But what of
this "Easter Bunny" and all of his followers? Another
discovery I made is that this "Easter Bunny" likes to "hop"
to travel. Clearly this hopping is just a pathetic attempt
at taking off for flight, but you will never fly Easter
Bunny! You will never fly! Bunny or not, I shall make you
kneel before me!
The first
step in the subjugation of this Easter Bunny was to kill off
all his beloved egg-delivering messengers. By killing off
all his messengers with my powerful eye lasers, I instantly
made it harder for more of my slaves to learn about this
Easter Bunny. By destroying the messengers, I destroy the
message they carry along with them as well.
Next, I had
to put an end to the secretive distribution of these "Easter
Eggs" that had already taken place without my knowing.
Apparently, these bunny messengers would go from town to
town and hide Easter Eggs in various areas that they
believed only humans would discover during an "Easter Egg
Hunt". While I killed all of the messengers, some of them
had already distributed their eggs and I now had to destroy
them all. Did you REALLY think the great General Zod would
not be able to find these hidden eggs!? Don't you know that
the closer I come to an atmosphere with only one sun... a
yellow sun... the more my molecular density gives me
unlimited powers? Those powers include x-ray vision, you
foolish rabbits!
Finding and
destroying all of these eggs, which I am certain contained
foolishly defiant anti-Zod propaganda, was such a simple
task that it only made me pity you invertebrates all the
more. And the bunnies could have at least tried camouflaging
their eggs rather than affixing them with garish
decorations. But now these bunny rabbits are beginning to
bore me. I believe it is time to exterminate their leader...
the Easter Bunny himself!
Finding
this Easter Bunny was even less difficult than finding his
anti-Zod propaganda eggs all over planet Houston! I merely
had to listen for the cries of my young devoted slaves and I
soon found him holding them in his arms, forcing them not to
kneel before me as they were born to do! Easter Bunny, for
this act of defiance against your rightful ruler, you have
forfeited your life.
DIE AS
YOU DESERVE TO, DEFIANT COTTON-TAILED ONE!
My slaves,
you have just witnessed the end of your precious "Easter
Bunny". Let his death serve as a reminder to any fool who
believes he has the power to defy Zod! There will be no more
hidden eggs. There will be no more Easter baskets. There
will be no more Cadbury treats. There is, however one thing
you can still enjoy...
