Unattainable positions
for puny minds.

Zod on "Job Hunting"

Lately I have been hearing complaints from many of you humans about how bad "the economy" is and how you cannot find "jobs". Have you already forgotten that your only "job" is to kneel before me and obey my rule? Apparently so, and for this, I shall kill many of you. But for those of you whom I allow to live, I will prove to you that these "jobs" you desire are easy to obtain if you are an intelligent being, and that the only blame for not acquiring them lies within yourselves.

I did some research on these "jobs" and discovered that the first thing one needs to do is create what is called a "resume". Among the things this "resume" requires are an employment history, an overview, education, and some references. I was also told to use "standard resume paper". Do you humans really think that I, the great General Zod, would use such commonplace paper? There would be no white, cream, or other such colors used for my resume! The only way a resume can appear to be truly professional, is if it is done on black paper! Let it be known that I have created the greatest resume ever. Now, my slaves, kneel before my resume just as you have kneeled before me!


As you can see, there is no greater resume than my own. But to demonstrate the power of my unfathomably perfect resume, I took it to a local  "restaurant" and demanded a job. Obviously, the "Now Hiring" sign would no longer be necessary.

This sign is no longer of use, therefore it must die.

The "head chef" complained that my being hired as his replacement was unfair. He quickly apologized, however, when he was presented with the option to be replaced as head chef or to be crushed in my bare hands and become food seasoning. I found creating these "meals" in these "restaurants" was quite easy. Simply put various consumable morsels on a plate and then demand that the "customers" pay you all the money that they have in exchange for both the food and their lives.


My reputation as a superior chef quickly spread around the world and I was invited to participate in a cooking television show known as "Iron Chef". On this show, two chefs are put up against each other in a battle of the culinary superiority. I laughed when I heard I had to "battle" a puny mortal. Yes, there were people who claimed my methods in the battle were uncustomary... but they, like my opponent are all dead now. I shall forever rule planet Houston as Iron Chef Zod!

"We shall see if you are truly made of iron as I snap your spine in two!"
Iron Chef, Hanzo Morimoto
just moments before having his spine ripped out by Zod.

Now do you see the reality of your situation my insignificant servants? The reality is that your economy is fine. It is your lack of intelligence, skills, and a resume printed on black paper that is denying you these "jobs" that you so desire. And the fact is, you will never be "hired", for none of you will ever be great as I am. So once again, I must remind you all to get back to the only job you are capable of doing...



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