"Cupid"
You shall forever regret the day you
spread your wings!
Zod
on "Valentine's Day"
Inhabitants of Planet Houston. Slaves of Zod. It has come to
my attention that many of you have been preparing to celebrate
a human emotion known as "Love". I have heard that this
celebration is called "Valentine's Day" and that it is filled
with all sorts of unnecessary luxuries that I did not give you
permission to enjoy. And what is this "love" you speak of
anyway?
Before killing a defiant slave for not kneeling before me, I
asked him the question "What is love? How does one show it?"
He claimed that it was a human way of showing that you care
for another person. Like pets I suppose. Furthermore, he
explained to me some of the ways that you humans express this
"love" to one another.
First there
is the exchange of "flowers", a most peculiar ritual. You
humans actually rip flowers from the ground, the same plants
that provide you with your life-sustaining oxygen, and give
them to your loved ones? Why is it that you choose to give
your loved ones the carcasses of befallen vegetation? Is
this love? Perhaps I am beginning to understand and even
relate to it after all. The way to express your "love" for
someone is to demonstrate that you are willing to kill
another life form for them.
Then there
is the issue of chocolate. According to some, if the human
emotion "love" could be collected and stored in an edible
morsel, it would be chocolate. I went to one of your
"stores" and took one of these "Whitman's Samplers" into my
hands. Upon opening the box, I not only discovered
chocolates, but I discovered a guide which informed me about
what was contained within them. These unhealthy chunks of
chemicals are how you show your "love" for each other?
Pathetic. If you truly loved one another, you would tear out
your own hearts and exchange them.
From my
obviously correct perspective, "love" looks a lot like gluttony to me. While
I am sure eating all of this "chocolate" would help you gain
weight so that your knees would have more cushioning to rest
upon while you kneel before me, it is not something I
approve of. Your kneeling shouldn't be a "cushioned"
experience, it should be painful. Because if you are willing
to suffer to prove your allegiance to me, then that is the
only way I will allow you to live your life as one of my
loyal slaves.
But fear
not my slaves, for I believe I have found the cause of this
vile disease known as love. After much research, I
discovered that there is a disrobed defiant minikin-creature known as
"Cupid" who flies across the land. And while I see you are
practiced in worshipping things that fly, the only flying
being on this planet that you need worship is Zod!
According
to what my studies have shown, this "Cupid" flies around and
shoots people with his arrows so that they may fall in love.
While arrows may break the skin of your fragile bodies, they
can't possibly stand up to my eye lasers! Therefore, I have
decided to kill this "Cupid" and take his place.
DIE AS
YOU DESERVE TO, WEAK-WILLED LOVERS!
If you wish
to "fall in love" with another slave, then so be it. I will
shoot you just as Cupid would. And as your bodies turn to
ash as a result of my eye lasers, your last thoughts should
be about how you "loved" being a slave for Zod in your
short and utterly meaningless little lives.
So this
Valentine's Day, remember the following:
I do not
love you. I rule you. I "love" to rule you. And the great
General Zod will not hesitate to kill any of you to
demonstrate this love. Never forget that. Now that you
understand your ruler, I will permit you to enjoy a true
"Valentine's Card".
Roll over the card to open it and see your special Valentine's Message from Zod
