The controls to the
Virtual Reality room are obscure, and whatever instructions there might
be are written in Alienese, but if your Grade School field trips to the
Science Museum ever taught you anything, it's the old axiom "See a
Button, Slap a Button". And if your extensive collection of X-men and
sad devotion to Star Trek the Next Generation have taught you anything,
it's that whether it be the Danger Room or the Holodeck, Virtual Reality rooms
cannot be trusted! They screw up with potentially lethal consequences so
often it seems wonder the X-men and the crew of the Enterprise would
rely on them so heavily. And sure enough, after a few minutes of spastic
button slapping that would make a Baboon with Parkinson's Disease
envious, Fredward and Tristan begin shrieking their Alien Lungs out
about a sentient holograph that looks like Fred Berry as Rerun from that
show "What's happening" except he has a very Freudian Bazooka right
where his wing-wang ought to be.
"Quick thinking, Lad" says a voice behind you.
You couldn't be more surprised when you whirl around and see... MAYOR
MONOCLE?!
"No time for chit chat, son." He says, striding past you down a dimly
lit sort of Alieny hallway, "If we're going to put the Kibosh on this
Alien Invasion, we'll need to take over this ship!"
"But, But," you sputter.
"I don't have time to remind you of everything you need to know!" He
says, shoving you straight toward a door that whips open instants before
you would have broken your nose on it. Good lord, it's a sort of
Alienish cockpit, complete with two seats, obvious steering and weapons
controls, and a big ass Alienesque window full of space and stars.
"Suffice it to say," Mayor Monocle says, sliding into one of the
seats. "I am not a small town Mayor with poor vision in one eye. I am
your Commander and you are a super duper secret deep cover agent of
AIDS! We know it's a really bad name, but what else could you possibly
call the Alien Invasion Defense Squad? And besides, we're super secret,
so it's not a big deal as far as PR goes."
You climb into the other seat. The control are all so obvious, like some
sort of... Video game.
"We had to give you amnesia so the Aliens wouldn't figure out you were
an agent of AIDS!" Says the ersatz mayor, "If, you know, it turned out
they had really good Mind Reading Powers, which a lot of your more
dangerous Aliens do. But your memories should be coming back to you now.
For instance, I bet your training in Alien space ship design renders
these bizarre Alientistic space ship controls as obvious and user
friendly as a video game!"
You're just thinking what excellent sense that makes when a huge ass ship
swings into view! It's way big, and all detailed like a really good
model, lots of pipes and hatches and shit, and there's like oil leak
type marks, and scratches and dents like if it was for real, so it's GOT
to be the Alien Mother Ship.
"What are you waiting for Agent McJohnston, Agent of AIDS?!" shouts the
Mayor, using what must be your super secret real name, "SHOOT!SHOOT,
and we'll have a sudden unexpected happy ending and you can go home and
have chicken pot pie with your Lincoln Friends!!"
